Landslide
by summer65love
Summary: When you've been working your whole life to take care of one person, how easy is it to let go and start fresh? A high school AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Landslide**

 **This story was inspired by the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. This is a story focused on Erin but both Hank and Jay are very important to the story with a lot of interaction with other CPD characters.**

Chapter 1

Erin was running, no plans of where she would go, she just needed to get out of there. She didn't know what time it was but it must be late, judging by the darkness and the groups of young men watching and calling at her as she moved past them. She finally felt the burning in her legs when she was under a bridge down a street she didn't recognise, her stomach was in knots and her head was pounding. She stopped and leant over to throw up on the side of the road, she couldn't even bring herself to care about the old homeless man watching her from across the road.

She couldn't go home, not when her mom would keep persisting until she broke down and gave her what she wanted.

 _"We can do this Erin, you don't need anyone but me, I'm your mom."_

She wouldn't go back there, not tonight.

She got her phone from her pocket and texted Charlie, he didn't like it if she went over to his place without asking first. He wasn't replying but she started walking to his block of apartments anyway, she thought she was heading in the right direction anyway. As she was walking the cold caught up to her, it was a November night and her thin leather jacket wasn't doing much to keep her warm. She just needed to get to Charlie's, sleep and then she would sort everything else out later.

When she finally arrived at Charlie's apartment she could hear blaring music from the end of the hallway, was he having a party?

She knocked on his door but he didn't answer so she hesitantly opened the door and walked in. The stench of weed was overwhelming but it was the sight of Charlie making out with a random hooker and syringes on the coffee table that sent her hurtling back towards the door. But not before a dealer friend of Charlie's spotted her.

"Charlie!" he shouted to get his attention.

It worked.

Charlie looked around at her drowsily, the confusion evident on his face. Clearly he hadn't received her text and his confusion soon turned to anger.

"What are you doing here?" his voice was slurred and he hadn't even moved from his position on the couch but it was still enough to terrify her.

"I needed somewhere to crash tonight," she admitted with one hand on the door handle, in case either he or one of his more sober friends decided she was in trouble.

"Isn't it a school night?" Charlie's friend, she thinks he is called Chris, sniggered. "How old is this girl Charlie?"

Apparently he didn't like that comment because he started to get to his feet with a ferocious look that was aimed at her.

She wasn't sticking around any longer so she left the apartment and headed down the stairs. She heard him shout after her, but she didn't look back, he would pass out in a minute anyway.

She sat on the cold, wet ground outside of Charlie's apartment block and held back her tears. She hugged her knees and wished for it all to be over, she just wanted a warm, safe bed, was that too much to ask for?

She reached into her pocket and found a card, the one that she'd been given months ago and had intended to throw away until a nagging feeling inside her told her to keep it.

With no pride left in her she entered his number into her phone and called the man that had arrested her four months ago, Hank Voight. It hadn't been their first meeting but apparently it was the first one that made him feel sorry enough for her to give her his card with the instruction that she should call it if she needed any kind of help.

"Hello."

The gruff voice on the other side of the line was almost enough to make her hang up, but desperation beat her.

"Hi," she trembled. "It's Erin, you gave me your card a few months ago, you were arresting me."

All she heard on the other end was a grunt so she decided to continue.

"You said that I could call this number if I was in trouble," she took a deep breath. "I'm in trouble tonight and need somewhere to crash."

There was a brief pause when she was certain that he was going to reject her and tell her to go somewhere else but then he spoke.

"Where are you?"

She let out a deep sigh of relief.

* * *

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

She didn't turn her gaze away from the window. Watching the streetlights was distracting her and that was all she wanted right now.

"You can give me the silent treatment all you want but I have a wife at home who I have to answer to, so do us both a favour and tell me why you called me at 1:30 in the morning."

"I had an argument with my mom and can't stay there anymore," she disclosed. It was the truth, just not the whole truth. "I just need somewhere to stay tonight, tomorrow I'll find somewhere else, I swear."

Hank squinted at the oncoming traffic.

"Let's just get through tonight."

She nodded and let her eyes close lightly, telling herself it would just be for a minute but the next thing she knew, she was sleeping soundly in Hank Voight's car.

* * *

It wasn't Hank's voice that eventually woke her up but the voice of a woman, she assumed his wife. Apparently the walls in this house were paper thin.

"Does she go to school?" the voice downstairs asked. "She's late if she needs to go to school."

Then she heard Hank's voice, "I don't think school is her priority today."

She looked at her surroundings, she was in her clothes from last night, minus her leather jacket, and she appeared to be in the Voight family's spare room.

"So what are her priorities today?"

Deciding that she wasn't going to listen to them argue over her any longer she got out of the bed and headed down the stairs.

They were both staring at her as she reached the bottom.

"Morning Erin," Hank said to her as he sat on the couch with a cup of coffee in hand, reading the paper.

She just nodded at him and stood awkwardly at the bottom of the stairs.

Camille seemed less comfortable with her being there but still went out of her way to offer her breakfast which she declined.

"I should go now anyway," she muttered and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

It was Hank that had stopped her, Camille had disappeared into the kitchen at the back of the house.

"I don't know, school?" she suggested, even though she had no intention of going to school.

"What the school that you haven't been to in two weeks?" he questioned.

"You did a background check on me?" she fired back.

It was like a competition to see who would break first. It was Hank that eventually broke the silence.

"You're going to sit down and have breakfast and then you're going to tell me exactly what happened last night and what your plans are from here."

Her stomach rumbled, she couldn't deny that she needed food. Besides who knew when she'd next be able to eat when she left the Voight's.

She sat on the couch next to Hank and stared at the floor, waiting for him to say something else to her.

"You're seventeen now, right?"

The question took her a bit off-guard but she nodded in affirmation.

"Your attendance at school so far this year hasn't been great, considering you're a senior and all. This is the year you should be taking things seriously."

"Not always easy to go to school when your mom is overdosing on the bathroom floor every other week," she stated dryly.

"It didn't stop you before."

She didn't know how to answer that, or maybe she did but she wasn't going to.

"Is your mom still with Steve?" he continued when she didn't answer him. "He works at a garage right?"

She nodded and swallowed down the bile that was building up in her throat.

"Do they know where you are?" he asked her, the detective side of him was clearly interested in interrogating her.

"No, my mom probably thinks I'm at Charlie's," she admitted.

"Your boyfriend?" he questioned and then grunted at her response of a shrug and a lowered gaze.

"He's out of town, otherwise I'd stay with him," she lied smoothly.

He nodded for a moment, she couldn't tell whether he knew she wasn't telling him the truth or not.

"Are you going back to your mom's tonight?"

She didn't know whether to lie again at this point, she decided he could and would find out if she was lying about this.

"No, we had a fight and she told me I can't live there anymore."

That was mostly truthful. Her mind flashed back to that moment just twelve hours earlier.

 _"I don't want to mom," she cried as her mom yelled at her. "I can't do this anymore."_

 _"If you're going to live in my house, eat my food, use my electricity then you do what I tell you to do."_

 _"Then I'll leave."_

 _"Go ahead."_

Camille returned with some buttered toast and handed it to Erin cautiously. She was beginning to feel like Camille had not been on board with Hank's 'if you need anything' offer.

"It's okay, I'll go as soon as your husband stops interrogating me."

She watched Camille give Hank a side-eyed glare.

"You don't have to leave, Erin."

She didn't stop eating to look at Hank, even though he had clearly spoken directly to her.

"Hank's right, we talked this morning and if you want to get out of your mom's life, if you want a fresh start then we're willing to help you out," Camille spoke kindly.

And there it was, the chance she'd been waiting for her whole life, the chance to escape the life she'd been born into. She'd always dreamed of this moment, going to live in a clean house, not having to worry about drug dealers beating down the door while she slept, being wanted. But could she give it all up? She'd spent her entire life making sure her mother stayed alive, only to ultimately follow in her footsteps with her toxic relationship with Charlie. Were they really offering to get her out of it all? And then there was everything else that Hank and Camille didn't even know about.

At her hesitance, Hank spoke up.

"Why don't we just deal with today and then make any big decisions another day?"

She smiled hesitantly but gratefully. Living with Hank and Camille, two virtual strangers was terrifying but at this point it was seeming like her only option. At least for now, there's no way this arrangement would last long, not when they found out why she really left her mom.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Having a warm, safe bed to sleep in two nights in a row was more than Erin had for as long as she could remember. The previous day had been filled with uncomfortable silence as she had gone shopping with Camille. It's not like Camille hadn't tried, she'd offered opinions about clothes and which coat would be the most practical for Chicago winters but Erin was not about to let her buy her clothes.

It didn't seem to matter how disinterested she appeared, Camille bought her a bunch of new clothes, nicer than anything she'd ever had before and she hated to think of how much money she spent on her. They were even talking about changing her school, not that she cared too much about that, it's not as though she had friends there that she would miss, not since Annie had stopped turning up a year ago. But they were talking about some fancy private catholic school, saying it would give her discipline and a real education, they had set up a meeting with the principal for later that day. As though she would ever consider going there.

She was going to have to tell them soon, she couldn't keep pretending that she was going to stay with them on a long-term basis when they didn't know what was really going on. But what would she do if they kicked her out of the house? She couldn't live with Bunny and she wasn't talking to Charlie right now. She had nobody.

"Erin?"

She heard Camille calling her from downstairs, she supposed it was time to see the fancy school that the Voights wanted to send her to. She would do everything possible to avoid going there.

She grabbed her brand new, navy blue coat from the end of her bed and headed down the stairs.

"Are you ready to go?" Camille asked her. "Hank is going to meet us there."

She nodded silently and followed Camille to the car.

"You know Justin really likes this school," Camille attempted to make conversation with her. "He's only been there a couple of years and it's really helped him out."

Erin nodded, "I'm just not sure that Catholic school is right for me."

Camille let out a short laugh.

"You know, I thought the same thing when I first went there." Camille shared. "I was probably a couple of years younger than you, my mother was fed up of my rebellious stage, and let me be clear that rebellious to her was wearing a skirt any shorter than my knees."

Erin just watched Camille as she drove them through the streets of Chicago. She hadn't been expecting that.

"So when I first got there, I was determined that I wouldn't fit in, that I would be at school with these perfect girls who were exactly who my mom wanted me to be," she continued. "But in my first class I met Naomi, she took one look at me and decided I was going to be her friend, we're still close to this day."

Erin smiled at the story, it was a nice one after all, but she didn't believe for one moment that she would meet anyone at that school that would accept her. There was a big difference between wearing a short skirt and doing the things that she'd done over the past few years; she didn't even want to think about the things she'd done for her mom and Charlie.

"I know that starting a new school can be scary but we really want you to try here," she pleaded.

"I just…" Erin sighed. "I appreciate what you and Hank are doing for me, but I don't know if I can stay here."

"No matter where you're living, you're going to need to go to school," Camille explained.

Erin was silent. She'd seen how quitting school had messed up Annie's life, well that and having a kid, but she'd always tried to go to school, no matter what else was going on in her life. Until two weeks ago that is.

When they arrived at the school Camille greeted Hank with a simple kiss which Erin looked away from. Hank then smiled at her and gestured for her to follow him.

* * *

An over-sized crucified Jesus staring at her was not giving her the best first impression of this school. Why did everything in Catholicism seem to be about death?

They were waiting for the principal in a reception area, at least she and Hank were, Camille was talking to an old secretary that had probably been doing this job since Camille was at school here. She read the posters on the walls, expressing pride at the college destinations of various alumni, she supposed it was meant to inspire the rebels of the school, all it did to her was remind her that she'd never be going to college.

The door to the principal's office opened and an old, smiling priest walked out.

"Sorry to keep you waiting Hank," he apologised whilst shaking his hand.

"No problem," Hank grunted, she supposed that was just the way he spoke to everyone.

"Where is Camille?" he asked.

"She's catching up with Jean, she'll be here in a minute," he said. "This is Erin."

Suddenly the principal's attention was firmly on her.

"It's nice to meet you Erin," he said as he stuck out his hand for her to shake.

She loosely shook his hand and muttered something along the lines of "you too."

Camille had finally re-joined them at this point and the principal ushered them into his office.

"Erin I'm not going to lie to you, for a senior with a less than perfect academic record and attendance to join the school, well it's basically unheard of," he began.

She put her head down, had they just invited her here to tell her that she wasn't good enough for this stupid posh school?

"But the Voights are old friends of mine and if they believe that you deserve a second chance then I'm willing to help them, but it's going to require a lot of extra effort on your part," he continued.

"Look," she began. "I'm fine at my old school, I don't need you to do me any favours."

"Erin," Hank warned.

"Are you sure about that?" the principal asked her. "Hank has filled me in on the situation with your mom, and I've spoken to your old school. You used to go to your classes regularly, you were quiet but you did the work, probably not the best of your ability because you were always distracted but you didn't just give up."

"I don't need some catholic school to fix me, okay?" she snarled.

"We're not trying to fix you," he calmly clarified. "All I want to do is give you a proper education. Help you graduate because right now, you won't."

That felt like a slap in the face.

Her mom hadn't graduated, she assumed that her dad hadn't either, not that she'd ever met him. Her mom's boyfriends _definitely_ hadn't. She had left because she didn't want to become her mom, she didn't want that for her life.

"What do you mean by extra effort?" she asked suspiciously.

The principal smiled at her, realising that his battle might be won.

"You're behind our senior so help you catch up I'm going to arrange a tutor for you so every day you'll spend an extra hour in the library," he told her and she nodded. She could do that, it's not like she had anything else to do with her time now that she wasn't talking to Charlie.

"And you're not allowed to get into any fights," he continued. "We have a very strict policy here and I've heard from your old school that you've been in fights before, we cannot have that here. Do you understand?"

She nodded in acceptance. She had to graduate and if this was the only way that was going to happen, then so be it.

There was a knock at the door and the principal invited the person in.

In walked in a scrawny looking boy, probably about the same age as her but he'd clearly been in catholic school his whole life. His uniform was immaculate, even his tie was done to show the regulation nine stripes. He gave her a small smile, and she couldn't help but roll her eyes at him, catholic school boys crushing on her was not what she had signed up for.

"Erin this is who will be your tutor after school," the principal informed her.

"Hi," he gave her another smile, this time showing off his teeth and she only noticed then that he had freckles all over his nose and cheeks.

"I'm Jay."

"Erin," she smiled politely back at him briefly but as soon as his face flushed she looked down at her knees.

"Are we done now?" she asked Camille quietly.

Camille gave her a warning glare but looked up to the principal who just looked hopelessly at her and then smiled.

"That's enough for today," he said. "We'll see you on Monday morning Erin."

"Yeah, see you," she replied, looking him in the eyes but trying her hardest to not look at Jay in any way possible.

* * *

She was stood in front of her mirror, trying on her new school uniform. She turned to each side, trying to get comfortable with the idea of wearing a uniform to school every day. She wrapped the baggy cardigan around herself and buttoned it up half way.

Suddenly she heard someone knocking at the front door, well not knocking, it was more like slamming their hands against it and kicking it. She had a pretty good idea who it might be, either her mom or Charlie, looking for the money she borrowed from him last week.

She soon found her answer when she heard her mother's voice screaming her name.

She froze for a minute when she heard Hank open the door.

"I want my daughter," Bunny screamed. "Where is she?"

"Okay," she heard Hank say firmly. "You need to calm down, you're not helping anyone here."

"She's my daughter and she's going home with me," Bunny insisted, her words slurring.

Erin's temporary paralysis stopped, and she slowly made her way downstairs to the front door as Bunny kept screaming at Hank, clearly drunk.

"Erin baby," Bunny slurred at her. "Come with me, we can sort all of this out okay?"

"Mom please leave," she begged her, desperate that she left before she told Hank and Camille the truth.

"These people aren't going to help you, do they know?" Bunny asked, barely coherently.

"Stop," Erin felt tears start to fall down her face. "Please just stop."

"You can't hide it forever Erin," Bunny kept saying.

Erin glanced briefly at Camille's face.

She knew.

Bunny kept talking.

"We can raise the baby, I'll help you, I promise I'll get better and help you."

At that point Hank had enough and forcibly removed her from the house.

Camille was in shock and in all the time she'd known Hank, even when he was arresting her, she'd never seen him that angry.

"Erin do you have something to tell us?" Hank asked.

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I'm pregnant."

* * *

 **Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter, hope you like this one!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

They had essentially been sat in silence since she told them, she supposed that none of them knew what to say, least of all her. She was just waiting for them to tell her that she needs to go home to her mom. She knew that the minute they found out, she wouldn't be allowed to stay there anymore. This stupid thing inside of her was wrecking the one chance that she had to start her life again.

"Are you keeping the baby?" Camille asked carefully.

"No," she shrugged. "I can't."

"So you want to get an abortion?" she asked, trying to look at Erin straight in the eyes, despite her avoiding her gaze.

"I… I'm not getting an abortion," she whispered. "I'm giving it up for adoption."

She heard Camille take in a deep breath, she couldn't tell whether it was out of relief or upset. Hank was still sat there silently, he hadn't said anything to her.

"How many weeks are you?" Camille asked her, she had assumed that it would be Hank interrogating her, it was his job after all.

"I don't know, I just took a test a couple of weeks ago and my mom found out the day that I left home," she explained, she'd never felt more like a stupid kid than that moment.

"Your mom, did she want you to get an abortion?"

Erin looked up at that.

"She wants me to keep it, you know, quit school, get some low paying job and just follow in her footsteps." Erin sighed. "I can't do that, not to myself and not to this baby."

"We need to get you to a doctor," Camille fussed, clearly her maternal instincts were taking over. "What about the father? Is it your boyfriend, Charlie?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Erin muttered. "It won't be a problem."

And once again they were in silence, she could see that Camille just wanted to help, but this was clearly not what she'd signed up for when Hank had told her in the middle of the night that they would be taking in a teenage girl for a while.

Finding out she was pregnant wasn't exactly what she'd signed up for either, she'd barely even realised it was a possibility until health class, how ridiculous is that? She was in the middle of being lectured on how to prevent pregnancy when it was already too late. She'd gone to the pharmacy near her house, not the one that bitchy cheerleader from school worked in, and bought the cheapest pregnancy test she could find, it was probably just a false alarm. But no, a positive test and a toilet full of vomit later and she was definitely pregnant.

Her mom had found out when she'd been using Erin's computer, she hadn't closed it down properly so the first thing Bunny saw when she opened it up was a website about adoption. Her mom hadn't even been shocked that she was pregnant, she just yelled at her that she couldn't give it away.

"Hank?" Camille urged, clearly not knowing what else to do.

He looked up and watched her carefully.

"You definitely want to give it up?" he asked.

She paused, just for a second before replying.

"Yes, I have to."

He nodded slowly in acceptance, she almost wished that he'd questioned her more.

"So what do you want to do?" he asked.

"About what?"

"About school, about where you're living, about your boyfriend?" he clarified.

"I want to graduate this year, and if that means going to that fancy school then I'll do it, and I'll even go to the tutoring sessions. I don't know about Charlie, I'm not speaking to him right now. And I think where I'm going to live is more up to you than me," she explained.

He pursed his lips and looked over at Camille who had an unreadable expression on her face, or maybe it was just unreadable to her because Hank seemed to understand completely.

"You are welcome to stay here, Erin," he told her as he moved to sit closer to her. "But there will be rules and you have to follow them okay?"

"Yeah, just like at school I guess?" she questioned.

"I want you to have a clean slate," he explained. "No Charlie, none of your old friends okay?"

She nodded, choosing not to tell them that it wouldn't be that easy, not when she owed Charlie money.

"And you have to look after yourself so no smoking, no drinking and definitely no drugs," he warned. "You've got to keep up with school and take this seriously. If you're going to give the baby away then there's a lot that needs to be arranged."

"I'll do it."

* * *

It was Monday morning and her first day at her new school, she was wearing her uniform, (possibly the least flattering outfit she'd ever worn) and still felt like she stuck out next to all of the perfectly put together teenagers. She just wanted to get through the day, avoiding any attention being brought her way for as long as possible.

That all went to hell in homeroom.

She knew from just looking at the teacher that she was young and still optimistic about changing the students lives, give her a few years and she'd be just as depressed as the other teachers at this school.

"Everyone listen up," she called to get the attention of the rest of the class who were chatting amongst themselves. "This is Erin, she's new so make sure that you make her feel welcome. Kim, I want you to show her around today."

A brunette girl with a ponytail looked up and smiled far too positively for a Monday morning, she gestured for Erin to sit in the chair next to her and she obliged, it's not like there was anywhere else for her to sit anyway.

"I'm Kim," she smiled at her, clearly oblivious to the fact that Erin wasn't in the mood to make friends.

"Hey," she smiled and then put her head down to stare at her desk.

"Where did you move from?" Kim asked and she froze for a minute, it was an innocent question but one she didn't know how to answer.

"I'm from Wisconsin," she lied, she had lived there for about four months when Bunny had met a guy and moved her there.

"Oh cool," Kim continued. "You know, I was new here a couple of years ago but most people are okay, there's just a few people you need to watch out for."

Erin didn't even speak, she had literally met one person in this school and was already hearing the school gossip.

"Allie Corson, she's captain of the cheer squad, comes across nice -" Kim continued until Erin cut her off.

"I really don't care about gossip okay?" Erin snapped, she felt bad instantly when she saw Kim's face resemble that of a hurt puppy.

"Yeah," Kim smiled again, but this time her eyes weren't engaged. "That's… I mean of course, you don't even know anyone here yet."

Erin looked at her desk again and tried to listen to what her English teacher was saying, she really couldn't care less about Romeo and Juliet but she promised Hank and Camille, so here she was.

For most of the day she was ignored, which was absolutely fine with her. Lunch had kind of sucked though, she was sat by herself eating a sandwich that was making her want to throw up when she felt someone's eyes on her. She briefly looked around the cafeteria and spotted Kim glancing at her every now and then whilst chatting with a group of guys, including her tutor, Jay. At her old school the nerds were scared of her, it seemed like here she was their lunchtime gossip.

Kim must have noticed that Erin had caught on and quickly smiled at her and then turned away from her completely.

At that point Erin was done with lunch.

She noticed Jay in a couple of her classes that afternoon but didn't speak to him until their arranged tutoring session.

"So how was your first day?" Jay asked her as soon as she had sat down in the library.

"It was fine," she replied. "Tiring I guess."

"Yeah it's a lot of new people and stuff all in one day."

She nodded but he was clearly waiting for her to respond.

"Aren't we supposed to be working on algebra right now?" she asked, attitude dripping in her voice. "You know instead of talking about our days?"

"Sorry," he muttered as his face went red. "You're totally right, we should study."

She rolled her eyes and waited for him to begin. When he did finally start the session, he actually turned out to be a pretty good teacher, he knew algebra inside out and made it easy to understand, she kind of hated that. How can a guy be nice and smart? Plus, she supposed, he wasn't bad looking. He looked nothing like Charlie or any of the other guys she had dated or whatever, he was youthful, and his freckles gave him a boyish charm. Not that she was even thinking of him in that way.

As time went by she became increasingly exhausted, it really had been a long day, and let out a yawn.

"I guess that's my cue to finish," Jay laughed.

She grinned out of embarrassment.

"Sorry, I swear it's not because you're boring me," she apologised. "It's just… you know?"

He clearly didn't know, it's not like he'd ever been in her situation but he nodded along anyway as they began to pack up the books and pens that had spread all over the table in the library.

They had just walked out of the building when Jay turned to her.

"Do you have a ride?" he asked. "Is your mom coming?"

"Yeah," she replied vaguely, he didn't need to know what was happening with Hank and Camille, especially when he seemed to be friends with the school gossip.

"Oh," he seemed disappointed. "Okay, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?"

Camille pulled up just as Jay waved at her from his car as he drove past. She climbed into the passenger side only to be greeted with a smiling Camille.

"So you've made a friend on your first day?" she said enthusiastically. "That's great Erin."

"He's my tutor."

"And that means he can't be your friend?" Camille asked, it felt like she was a toddler.

"Can we just go and get this over with?" she sighed.

Camille nodded but frowned when she returned to looking at the road in front of her.

They remained in silence until they reached the outside of a doctor's office, apparently the one that the Voight family regularly attend.

When they walked in a receptionist greeted Camille like an old friend. For a big city it seemed like Camille knew everyone.

The appointment went by without too much input from Erin, it was mostly the doctor giving information about her 'options' as though she actually had options. It was only when the doctor announced that she needed to do a scan that Erin's ears perked up. She hadn't been expecting that today.

Erin lay uncomfortably on the bed, feeling exposed and anxious in front of two women she barely knew. She froze when she heard the heartbeat, she couldn't even look at the image on the screen until Camille started talking about it, saying that she could see the arm and the baby's head.

Erin looked at the image and felt herself take a sharp intake of air. It was real. There was a baby growing inside of her and she couldn't bring herself to look away.

"Okay," the doctor informed her, turning off the screen. "You are nine weeks pregnant so a bit further along than we would like for an initial presentation but it's really important that you start taking prenatal vitamins now and…"

Erin had stopped listening at this point, Camille was making notes so she knew it would be covered. All she could think about was that she needed to find a family for her baby in less than seven months, she needed to find people who would give it a real chance at life. She just hoped those people existed.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It only took a week for Jay Halstead to realise that he was crushing on Erin Lindsey. From the minute he first saw her he thought she was gorgeous. It was only when he started tutoring her that he realised much he really liked her. When she actually talked to him she was funny and even though she didn't seem to like him too much, she was nice to him. The problem was that the only time they spent together was when he was tutoring her and she always wanted to study, which he understood was the whole point of the sessions but he just wanted to get to know her a bit better. She also avoided him and everyone else during the school day, he saw her in a few of his classes and tried to talk to her but she ignored him. Kim had tried to talk to her as well but hadn't got very far, apparently she didn't want to make friends. She was truly an enigma.

In the three weeks that she'd been at the school he'd heard about fifty rumours about her – because apparently nothing else was going on in this school. According to Kevin she had an older boyfriend that he'd seen her with before she started school, Kim said that she was from Wisconsin but that she swore she'd seen her at the mall before. Those were far more tame than the other rumours that he heard, mostly from Allie. Allie and him had been friends since middle school, they lived next door to each other and she was the first girl that he kissed, the first and only girl he'd slept with and now one of his friends. They used to be the school's golden couple before Jay quit the soccer team last year and they broke up, a total shock to the system. Now they were friends, kind of, he got the feeling that Allie wanted to get back together with him.

He'd given Allie a ride home yesterday after he'd finished tutoring Erin and she'd had cheer practice.

"How was cheer practice?" he asked her when she got in his car.

"Not bad, Chloe was late to practice again though," she informed him, as though he would actually care.

"That sucks," he commented as he pulled out of the parking lot.

"I know right," she said. "You know I wish you'd get back on the soccer team, I miss cheering for you."

He just gave her a side glance and ignored her suggestion.

"So how are you finding tutoring the she-devil?" she giggled.

"Erin?" he asked, confused as to what she did to earn that nickname. "Why is she the she-devil?"

"You should have seen her in gym class today," Allie rolled her eyes. "Coach Baker told us that we're doing swimming in gym from next week and Erin freaked out at her, saying that she wouldn't do it."

That gave Jay something to pause at, a total contrast to the calm, studious Erin that he always saw.

"Maybe she can't swim?" he suggested.

"That's what I said and she just glared at me and said that she could," Allie shrugged.

"Does it really matter?" he asked, fed up of Allie's gossip.

Allie shrugged.

"I guess not."

"She's actually nice when you get to know her a bit," he commented, cringing at his lack of subtlety.

Allie gave him a look and he knew that she was onto him.

"Oh come on Jay," she laughed. "You're seriously into her? Have you not heard about the last guy she dated? He's some 30 year old drug addict."

"That's just a rumour," he insisted.

"Whatever," she dismissed. "You want to come over to mine later? I need some help with my biology project."

He hadn't gone over to her house last night, getting back together with Allie was not on his agenda right now. He had however tried to figure out how to talk to Erin outside of tutoring. And now he had a plan.

It was lunchtime when he put his plan into motion.

He saw her walk across the cafeteria and immediately ran up to her.

"Hey," he said.

She looked surprised to see him there but still greeted him.

"Hi, you okay?"

"Yeah I was just thinking that since we're doing science today at our tutoring session we could do something a bit different," he suggested.

"Like…" she urged him to continue, looking increasingly confused.

"I was thinking we could go to the museum of science and industry," he said but at her hesitance added some more. "My treat and I'll even treat you to pizza afterwards."

She still didn't exactly seem enthusiastic.

"Can I think about it and let you know later?" she asked, more timidly than he'd ever seen her before.

"Yeah of course," he replied, really hoping that she'd say yes.

* * *

Erin had three problems currently on her mind. Number 1 was that she was exhausted, she'd never felt this tired before in her life and at now 12 weeks pregnant she got the feeling that it was only going to get worse. But the bigger problem, problem number 2, was that she was now showing if she wore tight clothes or if you looked carefully you could tell and if she was about to be wearing a swimsuit to gym class then people would definitely be able to tell.

And then there was problem number 3: Jay.

He was a nice guy, there was no denying that. The problem was that he wasn't the kind of guy that she could go out with, especially not when she was pregnant with some other guy's baby.

The only thing that was making her consider going to that museum with Jay later was the fact that she wanted an excuse to get out of Hank and Camille's house. Camille hadn't stopped talking about the pregnancy and the baby and the adoption and choosing parents since she'd told them and it was infuriating her. She didn't want to talk about it. Why didn't she understand that? It just made it all harder. And all Hank did was ask her questions that clearly insinuated that he didn't trust her to not speak to Charlie and her mom.

So now she was stuck; did she potentially lead a nice guy on or suffer from another evening of questions about her adoption plans? One night wouldn't be leading him on, it was basically a field trip for their tutoring sessions. Right?

Whatever it would be she found herself walking up to him in art class that afternoon and agreeing to go with him, earning a smile from Jay and some glances from his friends.

She really hoped he wouldn't make her regret this.

* * *

"I can't believe you're going on a date with Erin Lindsey," Adam said to him for the tenth time that day whilst patting him on the shoulder.

"It's not a date," he insisted, shrugging Adam's hand off of him.

Adam was then distracted when Kim came into view and he walked over to her, greeting her with a kiss against her locker.

"Seriously?" he asked disgusted by their PDA. "Is that really necessary?"

Adam broke the kiss, giving Jay a side eye before addressing Kim.

"Hey babe," he said. "Did you hear who Jay asked out on a date?"

Jay rolled his eyes and was about to respond when Kim beat him to it.

"Erin?" she guessed. "Yeah Gabby told me about it in chemistry."

"It's not a date!" Jay said before walking away to the library where he agreed to meet Erin before they went to the museum together.

Erin was already in the library when he got there, working on some homework.

"Hey," he greeted her. "You ready to go?"

"Do you mind if I just finish this first?" she asked. "I swear I'm almost done."

He was relieved if he was honest. He didn't need the entire school to see Erin get into his car, especially with all of the rumours going around about her. He didn't need rumours going around about him as well.

By the time they left the building there weren't many students around and they weren't paying them any attention anyway. As he was leading her towards his car he heard someone call Erin's name and noticed her freeze beside him.

"I'll meet you at the car okay?" she said urgently as she turned to go talk to some greasy looking guy who was at least 30. Maybe that was the boyfriend he'd heard about.

He didn't go to the car but stayed planted in the spot where she'd left him where he could just hear parts of their conversation.

"… Haven't seen you in a month."

"I'm not living with my mom anymore," Erin said, apparently her boyfriend didn't like that.

"Yeah I heard you're living with some cop?" Boyfriend said. "What the hell Erin?"

"Charlie leave," she said forcefully whilst ensuring that her voice didn't rise.

"You think you can tell me what to do?" Charlie laughed, grabbing her arm and Jay could no longer stay still.

"Hey let go of her!" he shouted as he ran over to where she was.

Charlie did let go of her, but it was only to look at Jay and laugh at him before looking back at Erin.

"You made a new friend?" he snarled. "You think he knows what kind of girl you are?"

"Get out of here Charlie," she said as she turned away from him, grabbing Jay and walking towards his car.

Charlie didn't follow them but Jay didn't look back to see where he ended up going.

* * *

They were sat in silence in his car on the way to the museum, he occasionally heard her sigh and was tempted to ask her why she was upset but decided to let her speak first. He had so many questions on his mind, he didn't even know where to begin or if she would even want him to ask anything.

"You shouldn't have yelled at Charlie," she said.

Of all the things he expected her to say, that was not it.

"He grabbed you and that's not okay with me," he explained.

"I can handle myself," she commented. "He's not a nice guy, not the kind of guy you should make an enemy of."

He nodded, not sure what to say because she was probably right but that didn't change the fact that his blood had boiled the moment he'd put his hands on her.

"Hank and Camille," she began. "The people you saw me with in the principal's office? They're not my parents, they're just people that I live with, and their son, Justin."

"Okay," he said slowly. "Like foster parents?"

"I guess," she shrugged. "I couldn't live with my mom anymore, so I moved in with them, left my old life behind."

"Including Charlie?" he asked.

"Especially Charlie," she confirmed. "Like I said he's not a nice guy."

He left it at that, surprised that she'd told him so much and not wanting to push her any further. He just hoped he could make her smile during their visit to the museum.

* * *

"You know when you said you'd treat me to pizza I was expecting a slice from the restaurant at the museum, not an actual meal," she said, embarrassed that he was now actually buying her dinner, as though they were on a date.

The pizzeria that he had taken her to after their museum field trip was one of those places that you would never know existed unless someone pointed it out to you.

"I dragged you all the way out here," he explained. "It was the least that I could do for you."

"Seriously thank you Jay," she said earnestly. "And thanks for all of the tutoring help."

"It's no problem, you're way easier to tutor than the brainless football players they usually get me to tutor."

"I guess I'll take that as a compliment," she said, feeling the smile spread across her face and watching him light up at the sight of it.

It was in that moment that she decided it felt good, being around Jay. Maybe she'd do it again.

* * *

 **I decided to switch up the point of view in this one, I thought it would be interesting to see how Jay was feeling. The end felt a bit rushed but hope you still like it?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Erin woke up and immediately knew she was about to throw up, she ran to the bathroom and let emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

"That's gross."

She didn't even turn around to look at Justin, he was only two years younger than her and he was the most annoying human being in Chicago.

"You finished?" Justin asked. "I need to take a shower."

She rolled her eyes and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her. She wandered downstairs to get a glass of water and start getting ready for school ethat day when she saw Camille sat at the kitchen table.

"How are you feeling?" she asked Erin as she pushed a glass of water towards her.

"Not great," she grumbled. "The doctor said that the nausea would go away after 12 weeks, I'm at 15 now and it's still here."

"Everyone's different," Camille smiled at her.

Being in Camille's presence was calming to her, she was the opposite of what Erin was feeling inside and it gave her the chance to breathe.

"I've been sick a couple of times at school," she admitted, fidgeting with the table cloth."

"People are going to find out at some point," Camille sighed. "Just make sure that you do it on your own terms okay?"

As kind as she was, Camille really didn't understand high school. The first time she'd been sick she'd been lucky, nobody had been around except a girl from her history class who was quiet and not the kind that spread gossip. The second time she hadn't been as lucky. She was in Spanish class when she suddenly felt a wave of nausea and was aware that she was going to need to leave right away, she didn't even waste time to say where she was going, she just ran out to the nearest bathroom. She hadn't paid any attention to the other occupants of the bathroom until after she'd finished vomiting and overheard them talking, it was a bunch of cheerleaders that she had gym with, including Allie Corson.

"…can't believe that Jay wastes time with her."

They were whispering but they were still audible.

"What's going on with you two?"

It was clearly Allie that was being talked to, she'd found out from Kim that Jay and Allie had previously been together.

"I think we're getting closer to getting back together," Allie said. "I think we just needed some space you know?"

"Totally, you two were so great together."

Erin was fed up of listening to their conversation, she unlocked the door and walked straight past the group of cheerleaders to the sinks.

She saw them give each other looks and but resisted the temptation to say something to them, remembering that she was only allowed to be in this school as long as she didn't get into any fights.

Just as she was leaving the bathroom she heard one of the cheerleaders, not Allie this time, make a comment about her either being knocked up or on drugs. She felt tears sting her eyes but forced them to stay down so she could return to her Spanish class.

Since she'd arrived at that school she'd been the subject of gossip, she was fully aware of that, but she didn't want this particular rumour going around since it was the truth and she was not prepared for the truth to come out.

Camille brought her back to the present time with a question that she was dreading.

"We're meeting with the agency at 6:30 so don't do anything special with Jay for tutoring today."

Erin sighed, ever since that one museum trip Camille was convinced that Jay was her new best friend. She looked forward to their sessions but made sure to keep him at a distance, she'd already told him too much about her past and she didn't want him to know any more.

"You were the one who said you wanted to go down this route Erin," Camille said. "We have to get this process started."

"I know," she swallowed.

It had been easy in the beginning to think that she was going to give the baby away, but it was getting harder to ignore the baby and the feelings that she had about it. She had a sonogram picture in a box under her bed that she hadn't looked at since the day it was done, she'd been so tempted, every night she thought about just taking a look to remind herself what it looked like. But she couldn't let herself do that.

"Erin if you want to talk about other options…" Camille began but they were interrupted when Justin came into the room.

"Is dad already at work?" he asked his mom.

"He got called in during the night," she explained. "Are you almost ready to go to school?"

"More ready than she is," he pointed out, looking at Erin.

Camille gave Justin a look but then told Erin to continue getting ready for school.

* * *

Camille dropped them at school and they quickly went their separate ways, Justin really wasn't her biggest fan but at least for the most part he just ignored her rather than working to make her life miserable.

"Hey Erin," she Jay's voice say.

"Hey," she smiled at him.

"We've got art first period today right?" he asked, even though he clearly knew that he was right.

"Yeah," she replied as they walked into the building. "We can't run over with tutoring today by the way."

"Okay," he nodded. "You have special plans?"

"Just a dentist appointment," she lied. "Camille has just been nagging me to get there on time."

He seemed to accept it, why wouldn't he after all? He wasn't paying any attention to her growing belly, her nausea and the subtle symptoms she had something growing inside her.

She walked with Jay and followed him to where his friends were grouped around Adam's locker, over the past few weeks she had gotten closer to Jay's friends, particularly Kim. It turned out that whilst she liked to gossip, she was the most loyal person to her friends and if you said anything about any of them then you would live to regret it. Her relationship with Adam was something of a legacy at the school, they'd been together since eighth grade and their relationship seemed stronger than ever, according to Kim Adam wanted to get married as soon as they graduate high school but she was a little more sceptical. After all, it's not as though they didn't have the rest of their lives.

"We were thinking of going to see a movie this weekend," Kim stated. "You guys in?"

To Erin's dismay, the question was directed at both of them.

"I'm in," Jay confirmed. "What about you Erin?"

"Um," she hesitated. "Yeah, okay."

It would probably make Camille happy, she reasoned. Plus, as much as these friends were different to her old ones, she missed just having people to hang out with that weren't in some kind of parent role. That was probably the reason that she looked forward to tutoring sessions so much, it was nice to just talk to Jay like a teenager, she didn't have to think about all the other stuff that was going on in her life.

"I'll give you a ride if you want?" Jay suggested to her.

She watched as the other three people in their group shared glances between themselves. That almost made her want to say no.

"Yeah that would be great thanks," she smiled at him and he returned it eagerly.

* * *

She was in art class when the day started to go wrong.

"Erin," the teacher called her over.

She walked over and saw the serious look on the teacher's face. She was trying to ignore the stares of the rest of the class, especially Jay. They were all assuming that she'd done something wrong.

"The office need to see you now."

Erin was confused, she hadn't done anything wrong, there was no way. Why would the office need to see her? Had they found out that she was pregnant? She knew that Camille had been threatening to tell them if she didn't soon but there was no way Camille would do it behind her back.

She walked as slowly as possible towards the offices but before she'd even got there she was aware of the problem.

"I know that my daughter goes to this school and I need to see her now."

Erin froze on the spot, why was her mom here? How did she even know which school she went to?

She knocked on the door and the secretary let her inside.

"Erin," her mom said as she tried to pull her into a hug. "It's so good to see you baby."

"Your mother insisted on seeing you," the secretary explained to Erin.

"They said they didn't know you were pregnant," her mom said. "Did you not tell them? You see that's why you need to come home with me, people accept you for who you are where we're from."

Erin couldn't speak or move, she was overwhelmed and her mom took advantage of it.

"Come on," she said. "Let's just go home and forget all of this happened."

That got Erin out of her stupefied state.

"No," she said forcefully as she distanced herself from her mother.

"Stop being such a child Erin," her mom yelled at her.

The secretary seemed to catch on that this would soon turn into a volatile situation.

"Mrs Lindsey," she tried.

"My name is Bunny sweetie," her mom told her condescendingly.

"Okay Bunny," she said slowly. "I think we all need to calm down here, why don't I call Erin's foster parents and have them come over here so we can have a real discussion about what's going on here."

"We don't need anything from them," Bunny snidely remarked before turning back to Erin. "Charlie came over yesterday, he said that you hadn't spoken to him and when I told him about the baby he had no idea. Why didn't you tell him?"

"Because I don't want him to have anything to do with it," Erin said compellingly.

"You're going to need help Erin," Bunny stated. "Raising a kid isn't easy."

"I don't need his help," she insisted. "Or yours for that matter so just leave me alone."

Bunny was about to insist further when the principal walked into the room with a police officer and Hank.

"Bunny you're trespassing on school property and you need to leave," Hank informed her.

At first she looked like she was going to fight it and make a scene but she soon seemed to change her mind when she realised just how many people were in that room that were against her.

"You've kidnapped my daughter," she quietly accused Hank.

"And if you file a police report then you'll be investigated for child neglect," Hank stated calmly.

Bunny stared defiantly at Hank, knowing that he was right and that she couldn't do anything about it. She allowed the police officer to escort her out of the building and hopefully all the way home so she didn't go and drown herself in some bar. After she left the principal and the secretary turned to Erin and stared at her, as though they expected her to say something.

"I'm sorry," she tried, not sure exactly what she had done wrong this time.

"Erin," the principal began. "I heard what your mother said; you're pregnant?"

She couldn't speak, surely they wouldn't throw her out of the school for being pregnant, right? She wasn't even going to keep it and by the time she gave birth she'd practically be finished with school.

At her silence, Hank decided to speak for her.

"Erin is pregnant," he admitted. "She is planning on giving the baby up for adoption."

The principal nodded quietly.

"Okay the first thing we need to do is make all of the staff aware," he told her directly. "We'll get a plan in place to support you through this Erin but you need to put the effort in too."

"I can do that," she realised that she was going to need to convince him, she was already trying though. She hadn't missed a single tutoring session, she always did her homework, no thanks to Hank and Camille's homework rules of two hours a night at the kitchen table.

"Then you should get back to class so that you don't fall behind," he told her with a small smile that she returned.

"I'll see you at home later," Hank gruffly replied.

She had a feeling that Hank was going to stay back and talk to the school about her situation, she was mostly thankful that she didn't have to be there for that.

She spent the rest of the day getting funny looks from her teachers who clearly now knew what was going on, it only made her more determined to keep it from the other students at the school. The last thing that she wanted was to be looked at like that by everyone. Especially the new friends she was kind of starting to make.

* * *

Erin was sat in an office with the faces of smiling babies on the wall, did they really think this was the best place to have a meeting with someone who was giving their baby away? May, the social worker she had been assigned, seemed like a nice person, a little clumsy and a bit of an old cat lady but she clearly cared about finding good parents for her baby. She'd even showed her some of the potential couples that wanted a baby, it was intimidating to look at these people who had perfect lives with their massive houses and fancy jobs.

"So now that we've had a chat about your options," May smiled at her. "Do you know which path would be best for you?"

The options this time were essentially whether she wanted torture herself and see the baby again or just pretend it never happened. As nicely as the two options had been presented to her, that was essentially what it boiled down to.

"I don't… uh…" she paused. "I'm not sure yet."

Neither option seemed right to her, none of this did. When she'd thought about abortion when she'd first found out, she knew that she just wouldn't be able to do it. Keeping the baby wasn't even an option for her, it didn't feel right and she knew that she couldn't do it. But then neither of these options were appealing to her, maybe none of them ever would.

"Why don't we go over the options again another day?" she proposed.

Erin didn't want that either, she just wanted to get it all over with so she could start her new life and leave her old one behind her. But did that mean leaving the baby behind completely?

"No," she said, probably a bit too forcefully. "I want to do open adoption."

May seemed surprised but she quickly made her face neutral again.

"You're sure?" May asked her sceptically.

Erin nodded but couldn't confirm it verbally.

"In that case we can get the process started," May smiled whilst grabbing some forms on her desk. "Now I'm going to ask you some questions about the pregnancy and your situation, do you want me to bring Hank and Camille in?"

Erin bit her lip. Did she really want Hank and Camille to hear the gory details of her previous life?

"No," she replied assertively.

"Okay then we'll just get started," May smiled again, did that woman ever stop smiling?

The first few questions were basic and easy for her to answer, but then they got to the section that she was dreading.

"Is the father aware of the pregnancy?" May asked casually.

Erin hesitated before answering.

"I guess so."

"You have told him?" she asked.

"Not directly," Erin admitted.

"And he knows he is the father?" May probed further.

"Why does it even matter?" Erin asked, anger boiling up inside her. "It's not like he will ever have anything to do with the baby."

"If he objects to the adoption then it gets much more complicated for everyone," May informed her but she sensed that there was something deeper going on. "Erin who is your baby's father?"

Erin looked down at her knees and felt tears sting her eyes.

"I… I don't know."

* * *

 **Thanks for the great feedback! Hope you like this chapter.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

After her confession to May, Erin couldn't handle any more questions so she decided to arrange another appointment to finish it, May had also tentatively suggested that they could look at potential couples for the baby, she just nodded sharply. When she left the office Camille looked at her and was clearly aware that she'd been upset during the meeting but she didn't probe, Erin was thankful for that.

After arranging another meeting, Hank drove her and Camille home silently for about ten minutes before Camille broke the silence.

"I think we should get pizza tonight," she stated.

Hank grunted in response and Camille seemed to accept that as a yes.

"Erin do you want pizza?"

With the question now directed at her, she had to answer.

"I guess so," she replied whilst staring out of the window.

"I was thinking that we should go out Sunday evening," Camille suggested. "As a late celebration of Hank's promotion."

Erin paused for a minute before responding.

"Does it have to be Sunday?" she asked. "I kind of already have plans."

Hank suddenly became engaged in the conversation.

"Plans with who?"

"Some people from school," she told him, undermining his assumption that she would go to hang out with her mom or Charlie.

"Who?" he insisted on asking. "Jay?"

She almost rolled her eyes, he was taking the overprotective father thing a little too seriously considering she was already pregnant.

"Jay will be there," she confirmed. "So will Kim, Adam and Kevin."

"You need to be back by ten," he informed her.

It was kind of pathetic, she thought, that she'd been living with them for well over a month now and this was the first time that she was staying out for some reason other than tutoring. Before she would be out nearly every night just to get out of her mom's house, she'd hang out with Charlie or Annie. Now going to the movies with a bunch of catholic school kids was the most exciting her life got.

"Does Jay know about your situation?" Hank asked.

She rolled her eyes in response.

"I'll take that as a no," he said.

"Why does it matter?" she asked him despairingly. "I'll tell him when I want to tell everyone else at school."

Hank didn't respond to her but instead shared a glance with Camille.

"If you want to ask me something then just do it."

"Are you and Jay dating?" Camille asked directly.

She didn't want to answer, after all was it really any of their business?

"No," she said. "We're just friends."

Camille seemed happy with the response but Hank gave her a warning look.

"You have a lot going on right now Erin," he warned. "I don't think that dating should really be on your mind right now."

"Did you not hear me?" she said, the annoyance seeping out of her voice. "I literally just told you we're not dating."

"Just make sure it stays that way," Hank cautioned.

She refrained from speaking again, despite wanting to yell at Hank about how maybe a guy like Jay would actually be good for her, or maybe the fact that she was pregnant shouldn't ruin her happiness. But she needed Hank and yelling at someone that you were relying on for food and shelter didn't seem like the smartest idea. So she spent the rest of the car ride in silence.

* * *

Jay was playing a video game when his older brother, Will came into his room. Despite being enrolled in college in New York, Will was home for the weekend and was still finding ways to get on his nerves.

"Allie is downstairs waiting for you," Will informed him.

"Why?" Jay asked him, not really paying attention because he was so engrossed in his video game.

"How would I know?" he said, taking the controller away from Jay and continuing to play for him.

Jay made his way into the kitchen downstairs where Allie was sat on a stool at the island counter.

"Hey," he greeted her, fairly unenthusiastically as she was ruining his Sunday plans of playing video games all day until he went to the movies later with Erin and the others.

"Jay," she smiled before getting up and giving him an unexpected hug.

He pulled away and went to get them both a drink, clearly Allie wasn't planning on leaving any time soon.

"I was thinking that we should hang out today," Allie answered his unspoken question of why she was here. "It's been way too long since we hung out."

"Today?" he asked whilst trying to come up with an excuse as to why he couldn't hang out with her other than the fact that he just didn't want to.

"Yeah," she said to him, taking the glass of water that he gave her and moving closer to him. "I know we broke up and everything but we agreed to still be friends and we never actually act like friends."

"I guess," he agreed.

What Allie was saying was completely true, the problem was that a lot had changed since they broke up and he wasn't the popular captain of the soccer team anymore, never mind the fact that Allie wasn't the pretty girl next door anymore. She liked to tell him that he'd changed but so had she, the gossipy cheerleader she was now was not his first love.

"So what if we just hang out this afternoon and then go for dinner tonight?" she suggested.

"I have plans tonight," he told her, trying to back away from her to give them both some space.

"With your family?" she pried. "I know you want to spend time with your mom right now."

He swallowed and looked away from her.

"Actually with some people from school," he explained. "My mom… she's in the hospital today and she won't be… um… she won't be up to anything tonight."

Allie nodded, both of them unsure of what to say.

"Who are you going with tonight?" she tried to change the subject to somewhere a little more comfortable.

"Kim and Adam, Kevin, and you know Erin?" he asked hesitantly.

"The new girl?" Allie questioned. "Yeah I know her, I've even seen her puking her guts out in the bathroom."

The disapproval in Allie's voice was enough to make Jay become defensive of his new friend.

"Was she okay?" he asked her.

Allie gave him a strange look, unable to believe that he cared so much about the bad girl who had transferred from the wrong side of town but had claimed that she was from Wisconsin.

"I don't know, she was probably on drugs or was drunk at school or something."

"Erin doesn't do drugs," he insisted. "And she definitely doesn't drink at school. Were you the one who started those rumours?"

Allie rolled her eyes at him.

"Those rumours practically started themselves," she claimed. "Her boyfriend-"

"Her ex," he corrected.

"Whatever," she dismissed. "He's a drug dealer and she's living with some freshman's family, like a foster family."

"Stop telling people that," he insisted. "It's her business and the last thing she needs is people believing these stupid lies about her."

"Oh come on," Allie laughed maliciously. "She was either on something or she's got herself knocked up."

"She's not," Jay insisted. "She's actually really great when you get to know her.

"So why does she lie about everything?" Allie asked.

When Jay couldn't respond to her Allie took the opportunity to leave, pissed that her plans to get back together with Jay weren't working out. On the way back to her house she received a text message from her friend on the cheerleading team.

 _Guess who I just saw buying pregnancy vitamins?_

She hadn't even waited for a reply before giving her the answer.

It looked like Erin wouldn't be getting between her and Jay after all.

* * *

"Do you need any money for tonight?" Camille asked Erin as she was putting on her shoes, waiting for Jay to pick her up.

"No," Erin replied. "I'm good thanks."

"You look really pretty tonight Erin," she told her, smiling proudly.

Erin blushed, she had wanted to try a little tonight, not so it was obvious that she was trying but she'd curled her hair and put on some of her nicer makeup. The only problem was the clothes, it was hard to find something that looked nice whilst still being baggy enough to hide her baby bump. She'd settled on an oversized sweater that she wasn't 100% happy with but she thought it was good enough.

She got a text from Jay saying that he was waiting outside.

"Jay's here," she told Camille. "I'll see you later."

"He's not coming in for a bit?" Camille asked her.

Erin responded with a look, there was no way that she was going to put him through meeting Hank who would interrogate him or tell him about the baby or both.

"I'll see you tonight then," Camille smiled. "Have fun."

When she left the house she felt free for the first time in forever, she had constantly been at school or tutoring or at home with Hank and Camille since she'd moved in with them. It was nice to just be doing something fun for once.

Erin got in the car and smiled at Jay who was completely speechless, that made her feel pretty damn good.

"You ready?" she asked him when he made no move to start the car again.

"Yeah let's go," he said before clumsily starting the car.

She bit her lip to stop herself giggling at him, it was nice to see a guy react like this to her. She had never had a guy like her in a sweet, pure way like Jay clearly did and she didn't want that to go away, she liked the way that he saw her. She didn't want him to find out about the baby or more details about Charlie or any of the other stuff because it would all change then and she wasn't ready for that.

When they arrived at the movie theatre Kim and Adam were already making out, much to Kevin's upset.

"I'm so glad you guys are here," he said to them causing them both to laugh.

"We've already got the tickets, so we just need snacks and then we can go in," Kim informed them, peeling her lips away from Adam for a minute.

* * *

Erin was waiting in the line waiting for ice cream (because she was really craving it right now) whilst the others were all getting popcorn. Jay walked over to her with a massive bucket of popcorn in his arms.

"The others have gone inside," he explained, looking at the line she was in. "You must really want this ice cream."

"I kind of love it," she told him.

"Did you finish that history project yet?" he asked her.

"Yeah," she confirmed. "Hank and Camille are very committed to my education."

"My mom is the same," he told her joyfully before his face turned into something else, something sad.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

"I'm fine," he said shortly.

He seemed distant when she was talking to him, even after she got her ice cream and they were walking to the theatre. He still sat next to her and shared his popcorn with her but when she glanced at him she could tell that he wasn't watching the movie.

When it finished Erin and Jay separated from the rest of the group and made their way to Jay's car in silence. They spent the whole drive not talking and just listening to the radio.

After what felt like an eternity they pulled up outside the Voight's house.

At her queue to exit the car she hesitated.

"Jay," she whispered. "Are you okay?"

He took a deep breath before facing her and she could see the tears in his eyes.

"I don't really talk about this much," he began. "My mom, she's sick. Cancer."

"Jay…" she paused. "I'm so sorry."

"It's- I mean it's not okay but it's been about a year now so I guess you just get used to it," he explained. "She had chemo today and I guess I'm just worried about her, I wish I could be with her but she's in hospital for a few days."

"I had no idea," she whispered, grabbing his hand.

He looked at her, his perfect blue eyes looking at her like no one had ever looked at her before, as though he was really seeing her.

"I feel like I can talk to you about stuff," he muttered. "I know we haven't known each other long but I feel like I know you and I want to know you more because everything about you is… I like you a lot Erin."

She couldn't think of a response, she didn't think that anything she could say would make it better. But knowing a guy like him, that Jay liked her, that he trusted her and that he told her a secret that was so personal to him was completely overwhelming.

She did the only thing she could think to do and leaned forward to press her lips against his.

The kiss didn't last long but it was long enough that she could feel him kiss back and she could feel his tears drop down onto her own cheeks and she could feel the want, the need behind his kiss.

She ended it before she was ready but it was what they both needed. She pulled him into a hug and they stayed there for as long as he needed, although she got the feeling that they both needed this hug to last a lifetime.

"Thank you," Jay said to her, finally pulling away from her.

"I should go," she said regrettably. "I'll see you tomorrow at school?"

He nodded and watched her exit the car, waiting until she got inside before driving away.

"I thought you weren't dating him."

The voice terrified her.

She turned around to see Hank watching her but she decided to ignore him, she was not in the mood to deal with that can of worms tonight. She went to bed and spent the night tossing and turning, one minute she was thinking about the baby, the next her kiss with Jay and then she was reminded of his tears. She never wanted to see them again. But God did she want to kiss him again.

* * *

When she walked into school the next day she felt the eyes on her, heard the whispers and the giggles aimed at her.

 _"No seriously, she's definitely pregnant."_

Erin felt her heart stop and her blood went cold.

How did everyone know?

She was then suddenly aware of a group of people staring at her from down the hallway.

Kim, Adam and Kevin were all staring at her with shocked and disappointed faces. But then she saw Jay and his look of betrayal.

He walked towards her.

"Is it true?" he confronted her.

She nodded, silently begging him to stop when everyone was watching her – them.

If she thought he looked betrayed before, nothing could compare to this.

"I told you something really personal last night," he said. "And I thought you felt the same way."

"Jay, I-" she began, but it was too late. He was already walking away and then she was alone again.

* * *

 **So I know it's not a particularly happy/feel-good ending but I wanted to get a chapter out before Christmas so here it is!**

 **Happy holidays everyone!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Jay hadn't been at school for long when he felt the buzz of gossip around him. He had been in an optimistic mood since he woke up, in the moment he had barely even registered what was happening between him and Erin, but when he had been at home, tossing and turning all night, it was all he could think about. He had never felt so connected to someone, especially someone he barely knew, and him confessing that his mother was ill was a huge step for him. He didn't want the sympathy and the conversations that people knowing brought so he just didn't tell most people. Allie only knew because they were still together when his mom got her diagnosis, their relationship hadn't lasted long after that but because she lived next door, she was always aware of what was going on with their family.

Telling Erin and the events that followed his revelation only made him care about her more, the way she kissed him, so tenderly but expressing her want to comfort him and make it better for him was the most he had felt in what seemed like a year.

Which was why he was so disappointed when he had heard the rumours that she was pregnant. The girl he was kissing last night, the girl that he had developed strong feelings for despite only knowing her for two months was pregnant. It couldn't be true, it was just Allie and another one of her stupid rumours that she was spreading around.

He met his friends at his locker and they were in deep conversation.

"Did you hear about Erin?" Kevin asked him.

"It's not true," he insisted immediately. "She would have told me… us… she would have told us."

"You sure about that?" Kim questioned. "I know that you guys are close but Chloe, you know the cheerleader? She's pretty convinced and it makes sense, the way she acts sometimes and why she's so secretive about her past."

"Apparently Justin Voight confirmed it," Adam told him. "Doesn't she live with his family?"

Jay was speechless.

He saw Kim look pointedly behind him and when he turned he saw her.

He barely registered the upset and discomfort on her face and instead focused on her stomach, it was covered with a baggy cardigan that was part of the school uniform but she subconsciously was touching it, as though she was protecting something. Before he knew what he was doing he was walking up to her, not caring that he might look intimidating or angry with her.

"Is it true?"

He knew it was true before she even responded but that nod was the final confirmation he needed to be completely devastated.

Yesterday was the first time in a long time that he'd felt hope that maybe he had made the right decision when his mom got sick. He'd changed his entire life when his mom got that diagnosis, he just wanted to be the guy that his mom had always wanted him to be. He broke up with Allie, quit the soccer team, started volunteering as a tutor at the school and was friends with people who actually cared about him. But there was always that part of him that wondered whether it was worth it; what if his mom didn't get better? Or what if she did but he missed out on the high school life he was meant to have? Or what if he was meant to be with Allie?

Yesterday was the first time that he had felt that he would be okay, whatever happened with his mom, because he had these crazy but amazing friends and he had something with Erin. He didn't quite know what it was but he knew that it was more powerful than anything he'd experienced before and he wanted to explore it, the feelings he had and the connection that they had.

But it was all a lie.

She had been keeping something from him, even after he told her his biggest secret, she had been keeping something far bigger from him. She wasn't who he thought she was and that was devastating.

"I told you something really personal last night," he said. "And I thought you felt the same way."

The look on her face told him that he was hurting her, and he hated that, couldn't bear to see that he'd done that to her. So, he walked away from her and went to class, ignoring the stares from his classmates and the calls of his name from his friends.

* * *

"Apparently she was sleeping with Jay Halstead and she didn't tell him because she doesn't know whether it's his baby."

"No have you seen the size of her? She was definitely pregnant before she came to this school, she must be like six months."

"But there's definitely something going on between them, did you see how he reacted this morning?"

Erin didn't know whether the people talking knew that she was sat right behind them in the cafeteria or whether they just didn't care. She was tempted to correct them, tell them that Jay had nothing to do with the baby, that she definitely wasn't sleeping with him and that she was far from six months, but she just wanted to it all to go away.

She'd called Camille earlier to tell her what had happened, and she'd asked her to pick her up and take her home, but Camille had refused. She'd said that she was just going to have to tough it out, including tutoring with Jay after school. She'd considered ditching anyway, but Camille was right, skipping one day would only push back the rumours and pain by one day.

She could see Jay on the other side of the cafeteria sitting with Adam, Kevin and Kim; there was one chair at their table that remained empty, for the past few weeks that chair had been occupied by her but today she didn't feel like she'd be welcome.

She'd seen Kim giving the boys some attitude, specifically Jay and she'd seen them glancing over at her, Kevin and Adam with guilty looks and Jay, well he just looked hurt.

Kim eventually seemed to get fed up with them, walking over to sit with Erin.

"Hey," Kim greeted her.

Erin just smiled tightly, was she meant to know why Kim came over here?

"Thought you could use someone to talk to," Kim stated.

"I don't really want to talk about it," Erin confessed. "But I'm glad you're here."

Kim nodded in acceptance.

"I really didn't want to hurt Jay," Erin told her. "He's been really… really kind since I got here and I… I didn't want to lose that."

"He told me about last night," Kim informed her. "That he told you about his mom and that you kissed him."

Erin swallowed and looked down in embarrassment. She got how that made her look, she was pregnant and kissing some sweet, innocent, vulnerable guy that had no idea what he was getting into with her.

"It just happened," Erin mumbled. "I didn't mean to lead him on or anything, I actually do like him."

"I know," Kim told her.

"I've screwed this up," Erin sighed. "But I really want to be friends with Jay."

"Just friends?" Kim asked, suspiciously.

"That's all I can do right now," Erin told her.

As much as she liked Jay and the way that he made her feel, she couldn't start anything with him when she was pregnant and still had so much to deal with from her past. Starting over had seemed perfect in theory but her past was still interfering, if it wasn't the pregnancy it was her mom or Charlie or the effects of growing up the way she did.

"Are you going to your tutoring session today?" Kim asked her.

"I don't really have a choice," Erin said. "I could get kicked out of school if I stop going."

"I'll make sure Jay goes," Kim assured her. "Maybe spend more time talking today than doing algebra."

"Thank you."

"He really cares about you, you know?" Kim reassured her. "And we all care about you too, so whenever you want to talk about all of this, I'll be here."

Erin smiled and felt tears come into her eyes.

"Sorry," she apologised. "Stupid hormones."

Kim smiled at her before returning to sit with the boys and she watched as Kim was convincing Jay to go to their tutoring session after school. Having someone fight her corner like that was more than she ever thought she would get at this school, Kim was a better friend than she deserved right now and she would not take her for granted.

* * *

Erin had been waiting in the library for Jay for ten minutes and she was beginning to give up hope when Jay walked in and sat in front of her, immediately pulling some books from his backpack.

"Wait," she stopped him by putting her hand on his.

He looked at it and moved his away like she was diseased.

She tried to ignore how much that hurt her.

"Look I know you're mad," she told him directly. "I know that I should have told you when we started getting closer, but I was just scared of what would happen if I told you."

His face softened slightly.

"I feel like I don't even know you anymore," he professed. "You kissed me yesterday and I wanted that with you and I thought that you wanted the same thing. Now... I don't know what to think."

"I kissed you because I wanted to," she told him and he looked at her again, this time with hope as well as hurt in his eyes. "But I'm pregnant Jay, whether I like it or not that's the reality right now."

He nodded and looked down at the desk.

"It meant a lot to me that you told me about your mom," she told him.

"Not enough for you to tell me about… that you're…" he stammered.

"I didn't want to ruin it," she admitted. "I didn't want you to look at me like you're doing now, like everyone else is looking at me. Because nobody has ever looked at me like you did yesterday and I liked it."

He didn't know what to say. He knew that she didn't owe him anything but somehow he wanted her to, he thought that she was going to be the one to make it all okay and he didn't know how her baby was going to fit into that.

"People are already spreading rumours that you're the father," she stated. "Did you know that?"

He remained silent; he hadn't known that. Of all the rumours he'd heard that day, that was a new one.

"You don't want this, I promise you."

He swallowed, finally admitting to himself that she was right. He was in no way prepared to have a relationship with a girl who was pregnant in high school. He was still dealing with his ex and how quitting the soccer team had affected his popularity. He couldn't do this.

"Maybe we could be friends?" she suggested. "That is if you forgive me."

He nodded curtly and went to open his book so they could get started.

She supposed that would have to do for now.

* * *

Erin was setting the kitchen table, as requested by Camille, ready for dinner. Camille was cooking some pasta over the stove and Erin could not wait for it to be done, she had started craving carbs over the past few days; pasta, potatoes – anything she could think of, she wanted.

"So how was your conversation with Jay?" Camille asked her.

They hadn't spoken about what had happened at school that day, Camille waiting for Erin to bring it up when she was comfortable. But she got the feeling that would never happen.

"He knows about the baby," she sighed. "We're going to be friends."

"And what about after you've had the baby?" Camille asked. "Hank told me that he saw you kissing him in the car."

"That was a mistake," she told her. "He deserves better than a teen mom."

"That's not true Erin," Camille insisted. "You are growing into an incredible young woman and after you've given the baby away…"

Camille hesitated and watched as Erin looked away from her.

"Does he know about the adoption?"

"It didn't come up," she said meekly. She hadn't told him, she didn't even know why but when she had been about to tell him, she just couldn't.

"Erin when I ask you this I need you to be completely honest with me," Camille began. "Do you want to keep the baby?"

She knew the question was coming, after she'd started stalling the adoption process and refusing to talk about the baby she knew that Camille would have questions. She'd been avoiding asking herself the same question for a reason.

"I don't know," she confessed quietly. "But I don't think it matters what I want, I have to do this. It's what's best for the baby."

"And you," Camille insisted. "You have a chance to start fresh, keeping this baby would mean that you were connected to Charlie for the rest of your life and you know that your mom would get involved again."

"I know."

She didn't dare tell Camille that Charlie wasn't necessarily the father; the alternative was even worse. But she knew it was the truth, if it wasn't Charlie's, it only made keeping the baby more impossible.

"But Erin this is your choice," Camille asserted. "If you want to talk about keeping the baby, if that's really what you want, then we can talk about it."

Erin didn't respond - she couldn't, because she was scared she might say yes.

* * *

 **I thought it was important to get a good idea of where Jay was coming from when he was upset with Erin so sorry for the repetition at the beginning. This story has become a lot more linstead heavy than I originally intended but I'm finding them really easy to write so as long as you the readers are happy with it I'm going to continue.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

After a few weeks Erin's pregnancy became old news, she still got a few dirty looks thrown her way every now and then but for the most part she was now ignored at school, with the exception of a few people.

Kim was now a good friend of hers, Hank and Camille had even invited her over for dinner one evening as a way of thanking her for looking out for Erin at school. When someone made a comment to Erin, Kim would fight back, verbally at least, on her behalf, knowing that Erin could get thrown out of school for getting into a fight.

And things were almost back to normal with Jay. It seemed like as long as they didn't talk about anything too personal, especially the pregnancy, they were doing fine. He hadn't mentioned his mom again, she made a point to avoid talking about the baby and her past, essentially their relationship had no more depth to it than that of her and her dentist. And she hated it.

She needed someone to talk to about all of the feelings she was having about the baby. Since Camille had asked her if she was sure, the feelings that she had been supressing, the natural instinct to connect with the baby and love it had come to the surface. She didn't want to have those feelings, she wanted it to be simple, to just have it and give it away without seeing it, she wanted this whole thing to be over. Maybe then she would be able to move on from her past, to pretend that it had never happened so she could finally be free of her mother and Charlie and all of the other bad stuff.

As much as she was enjoying getting to know Kim, she couldn't bring herself to tell her about Charlie, although she was aware that she had probably already heard the rumours. At least Jay had seen what she had come from and hadn't judged her for it, until he learned that she ended up pregnant from her messy past.

"Are you ready to go to the appointment?" Camille asked her.

She looked up from her book, Les Miserables, she had been told to read it for English which she thought was kind of stupid considering it was actually French. Camille had managed to get her the morning off school so they could go meet with the adoption agency, this time she wanted Camille in the room with her when they were talking about potential parents for her baby, it was too much for her to decide by herself.

"Yeah, let me just get my jacket."

Camille smiled at her but she could see the concern behind it, Camille had that look a lot recently, she was trying to ignore it and avoiding spending too much time with her in case she brought up keeping the baby again.

* * *

"So have you thought about what kind of family you want to give your baby to?" May asked her.

They had literally just sat down and she was starting with this question, one that she had no idea how to answer.

"Um…" she deliberated for a minute. "I don't… I guess two parents?"

"What about the couple's religion? Would you be willing to give the baby to a same sex couple?" May continued asking her, ticking off a box on some form. "Do you want a couple who already have children?"

"I don't really care about any of that," she said.

She was trying to picture the couple that she would give her baby to, she was trying so hard, but she couldn't see them.

Camille placed her hand on Erin's, squeezing it to give her courage.

"It would be nice if they had a back yard for the baby to play in when it's older," she muttered, not daring to look at May. It was probably a stupid request, one they weren't likely to grant.

"We can certainly look into that," she smiled at her condescendingly. "How about I give you a few profiles to look through now? You can go through them and see the sort of family you want your baby to grow up in."

She smiled and took the packet of profiles before May left the room.

"Okay let's start," Camille encouraged, opening the packet and pulling the first profile out of it.

Erin looked at the photo first, they were a smiling blonde couple, they looked to be in their early thirties and they looked… they just looked perfect. There was a picture of their house too, it was big and she saw the fancy cars on the driveway, they clearly had a lot of money. Their names were James and Kate, they had no kids, James worked but Kate planned to be a stay at home mom. They were perfect. But there was something that just wasn't right.

Next were a same sex couple, two men called Josh and Sam, they were in their late twenties so were still quite young. They lived in an apartment in the city but were big on getting out into the great outdoors at weekends, they both had jobs, what sounded like fancy jobs as well. They seemed perfect too, but when she tried to picture her baby with them, she just couldn't.

It was the same with Drew and Natasha, a couple who had already adopted a few years ago and had a three year old son. There was nothing wrong with them, literally no faults to them, but... there was this hesitation that she was feeling that she couldn't ignore.

At that point she couldn't look at anymore.

"Do you think we could take these home?" she asked Camille. "I can't just make a decision like this."

"We can ask," Camille assured her. "This is a big decision, they should understand that you need time."

Erin took a deep breath and put the profiles away, she couldn't bear to look at the pictures of those smiling perfect people anymore.

* * *

Erin had been distracted all afternoon at school; the meeting this morning had left her head spinning with pictures of happy, perfect couples. Their smiling faces were almost taunting her, daring her to pick them. But how much could you tell about someone from a picture? She'd chosen open adoption but what did that mean to each of these couples? Did it mean she'd get sent pictures every now and then or that she would get to see the baby occasionally? Did she even want that anymore?

It was at her tutoring session that she finally started making some decisions.

It had all happened by mistake.

Erin's bag had fallen off the desk and Jay had immediately bent down to pick up all of the things that had fallen out of it, telling her that she should just stay still. Apparently not realising that being pregnant – being almost five months pregnant at that – did not inhibit her ability to lift a few books. She appreciated the gesture though.

But then he'd picked up the adoption packet from earlier, the one that had fallen apart so there were now profiles scattered on the floor.

"Sorry," he fumbled, clearly embarrassed that he'd found something out about the pregnancy and her that he shouldn't have, he looked like he'd intruded and didn't know how to handle it.

He was trying to put all of the packets away but his sudden nervousness had caused him to become clumsy, dropping the sheets of paper everywhere.

She decided enough was enough and went to help him pick them up, their hands brushing slightly as they both put Erin's belongings back in her bag.

"They look nice," Jay commented, pointing at a picture of a couple on one of the profiles.

She looked at the picture for a moment, considering his words. He was right, they did look nice, they were outside by a lake somewhere with a clear blue sky and the sun shining. But the thing that was different about this picture was the smiles that they wore on their faces. There was nothing fake about the picture, it was clearly just one that they had decided to take one day, it wasn't specifically designed to attract a potential birth mother, it was just a picture of a happy couple in love.

She let out a quiet humming noise to agree with him.

"I… I uh…" he stammered. "I didn't know that you were giving it away."

"Well, I can't exactly keep it," she commented, refusing to look him in the eye.

"I just assumed that you would," he told her, probably against his better judgement.

There was something about what he just said that really, really pissed her off.

"Why?" she demanded, trying desperately to keep her voice under control. "Because my mom had me when she was a teenager? Or because my old friends have kids? You think that because it's normal where I come from that I should be a teenage mom?"

Jay seemed shocked by what she had said, she was desperately trying to remind herself that Jay was one of the good guys.

"That's not what I meant," he insisted. "I just meant… I didn't know."

She took a breath before replying to him.

"I can't keep it Jay," she whispered.

He nodded in understanding.

"It's just hard you know?" she asked him, despite the fact that he obviously didn't know. "Picking the couple that's going to raise the baby."

"And these are your options?" He asked, pointing at the packet of profiles.

"Some of them," she told him. "If I don't like any of these then there are more I can look at but I'm starting to think that none of them will ever feel right."

He nodded again and picked out the couple that he had said looked nice earlier, Greg and Lydia. His hand shook slightly as he gave her the page and spoke unsurely.

"What about these two?" he asked. "Have you looked at them yet? They look like they'd be good."

She looked at the picture again and took it from him.

They were in their early thirties, had been married for seven years but never been able to conceive so now they wanted to adopt. They lived in Minnesota in a house, nothing fancy but it was nicer than any house that Erin had ever lived in. They spent a lot of time outdoors, hiking, skiing and swimming in lakes. They both had jobs, Greg was a doctor and Lydia was a teacher. You couldn't really ask for anything better to look after a child.

"They seem nice," she muttered. "Like they'd be good parents."

He smiled at her softly.

"Do you get to meet them before you make a decision?" he asked.

She nodded at him.

"If I want to," she confirmed.

"Maybe you could meet with them?" he suggested, opening a history book for them to start on.

She looked at him in amazement as he was concentrating on something else. He had no idea that he was making an impossible decision slightly less impossible just by giving her a second opinion that these were good people. She hadn't known many good people in her life so she didn't know what it looked like all the time, but Jay, he was good. And he thought that these people were too, confirming what she had already thought about them.

So she would meet with them: Greg and Lydia.

* * *

Erin was sat on the sofa with Camille who was knitting something, seemingly getting frustrated with herself.

"You know it was my mother that taught me how to knit?" she asked her. "But that was about 30 years ago and it's not a skill I use often."

"My mom…" Erin paused. "She tried to knit me a scarf once, it was during one of her good times when I was about five."

"Was it any good?" Camille asked her, focusing on her knitting again.

"She never finished it," Erin told her, leaving out the part where she threw knitting needles at her boyfriend of the week when she fell off the wagon and was high on something.

"I looked through some more of the profiles," she said, changing the subject. "There's this one couple that I liked."

"Do you want to meet with them?" Camille asked her, putting down her knitting.

"I think so," Erin hesitated. "Yeah I do."

"Okay we can set that up then," Camille smiled at her before going back to the knitting.

Erin was trying to concentrate on her stupid book that she had to finish by the end of the week but she kept getting distracted, one minute it was the baby moving (not kicking but there was definitely something going on in there) and the next it was Justin's video game that was blaring on the TV. But then she heard something outside, a smashing sound. She looked out of the window and saw a guy hitting Camille's car window with a crow bar.

Camille ran outside, ordering her and Justin to stay inside. But Erin wasn't staying inside, not when she recognised the man doing it.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Camille yelled at him.

"You the bitch that took my girl?" Charlie shouted.

Erin watched as he smashed the remaining intact window, he was clearly on something.

"I'm calling the police," Camille stated, getting her phone out. "Erin go inside."

"No stay here," Charlie ordered her. "You're really knocked up?"

Erin put her hands on her belly and tried to fight the tears that were threatening to fall. She couldn't hide it anymore, her abdomen had changed and if you already suspected it, you could tell.

"I don't believe it," he shook his head. "What kind of stupid bitch gets knocked up and then doesn't even tell the guy she's sleeping with."

"It's not yours Charlie so just get the hell out of here," she told him.

He looked at her, anger and hate in his eyes.

She felt Camille looking at her, unsure whether she was lying or not. She knew they were going to be having a conversation about this later, she had no idea what to tell her. She didn't know that Charlie wasn't the father, but she also didn't know if he was so where did that leave her? She didn't want either possibility of who the father was to have anything to do with what happened to this baby, but Charlie wouldn't want anything to do with it, he wouldn't fight her on the adoption. But the other guy, she didn't even want to think about his name or picture his face again, he might be cruel enough to fight her for custody. And there was no way that that was happening.

* * *

 **Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter, seriously, they were really encouraging and I'm happy you're enjoying this story. I think that the next chapter is going to be the beginning of Erin and Jay getting a bit closer.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Are you nervous?"

She looked at Hank, trying to keep her poker face. He had brought her to her meeting with Greg and Lydia today, ideally she would have preferred Camille here but she had a doctors appointment so, here she was, listening to Hank's attempt at being supportive.

"I guess," she muttered.

She was nervous. Very nervous in fact. She was meeting people who were hoping that she would give them a baby, something that they'd wanted for a long time. She didn't know what she was meant to ask them or whether this meeting was more for them to ask her questions, whether things would be decided today or whether she'd have more time afterwards to think about it. What if she didn't like them when meeting them in person? Could she still say no after getting their hopes up?

"Did you bring the picture?" Hank asked her.

"Yeah," she replied. "It's in my bag."

It had been the first time that she'd looked at the ultrasound photo since the day it was taken. She'd looked at it and wondered what the baby looked like now, she supposed it would look a bit more like a baby and less like an alien but it was another week before her 20 week ultrasound.

"Be nice for them to look at," he commented.

She knew that if it was her then she'd want to see it, that's why she'd brought it in the first place.

"Erin are you ready?" May came into the room they were waiting in to invite her into the meeting room.

She nodded and stood up to go and meet the potential parents of her baby.

The minute that she walked into the room she saw the woman, Lydia, walk briskly over to her and envelop her in a hug.

"I'm sorry," she rushed out. "I'm just so grateful that you chose to meet with us."

"It's fine," Erin stammered out.

That had been the last thing she was expecting.

May instructed them all to sit down, Erin and Hank opposite Greg and Lydia.

"So first we'll give Erin a chance to ask you guys some questions and then afterwards you can ask her some questions, if that's okay with her?"

Erin nodded and looked at the couple opposite her, Greg seemed more nervous, he had been quiet since she entered the room whereas Lydia seemed equally nervous, but her nervousness was manifesting itself by filling silences.

She decided to target her first question to Greg.

"You're a doctor?" she asked him and he nodded to confirm. "What kind?"

"I'm a family doctor," he told her, smiling slightly and seemingly less nervous. "I work in a practice in the town that we live in."

She nodded and smiled at him.

"And Lydia, do you teach at an elementary school or a high school?" she asked as she turned her head to the woman on the couch opposite her.

"An elementary school," she told her before continuing. "Second grade right now."

"I guess you have a lot of experience with kids then," she thought out loud.

They really were perfect.

How could you ask for anything better to take care of a baby than a doctor and a teacher?

"That's actually how I first became interested in adoption actually," she began telling a story that Erin hadn't even known that she wanted to hear. "We had been trying for a baby for a few years and we… well we hadn't been successful. But then at the start of that year when I got a new class, there was a little boy who had been adopted by his parents when he was a couple of years old. It really opened my eyes about adoption and we decided soon afterwards that adoption was how we wanted to start our family."

Erin hesitated for a moment. She had been curious why they wanted to adopt rather than trying fertility treatments or surrogacy or whatever else, but she'd felt it was too personal to ask.

"So you've wanted to adopt for a few years then?" she asked them.

"We first started the process two years ago," Greg told her.

Lydia looked at him for a moment before beginning speaking again.

"Last year," she began, unsurely. "We got close to adopting a baby but the birth parents ended up changing their mind when the baby was born."

"Oh," Erin said.

How was she supposed to respond to that? Assure them that she wouldn't change her mind when she had all of these feelings that she wasn't sure she'd be able to fight until the end.

Erin asked them a few more questions, ones that Camille had suggested she ask about their childcare plans, whether they had a back yard and whether their extended family were close by.

Again all of their answers were good – perfect in fact. But the way they were answering and looking at her, they were so unjudgmental and kind spoken, whilst being committed and excited about the prospect of them adopting her baby.

"So do you have any questions to ask Erin here?" May directed to Greg and Lydia.

"We were curious about the father?" Lydia asked softly. "Is he…"

"He's not involved," Erin cut her off and felt Hank looking at her intensely.

"Okay," Lydia smiled at her again, comfortingly.

"I know you want an open adoption," Greg said slowly. "And we think that it's really important that the baby knows where it comes from, but we wanted to know what you expect from that."

She had thought about it, she'd thought about it at night when she couldn't sleep and during class when she was daydreaming. But she'd come up with nothing.

"I'm not sure," she admitted. "I think I just want to know that the baby is okay. It would be nice to get a few pictures, I guess."

"We can do that," Lydia confirmed. "Would you want to see the baby? We'd be willing to meet you once a year if you want that?"

Erin considered it for a moment. Did she really want to go through the pain of saying goodbye to the baby that she was already dreading saying goodbye to for the first time, in just over four months. But then could she face the reality of never saying hello again either?

"That sounds like a good and generous plan," Hank commented. "What do you think Erin?"

"Yeah I like that idea," she finally said, although she wasn't entirely sure it was true.

By the end of the meeting Erin had decided; these were the people she would give her baby to. She wouldn't find anyone better than them, when they were asking questions they were interested in more than just the baby but her as well. They wanted to know how she felt and what she wanted from her life. They were just all around good people.

"I have something to show you," Erin stood and passed them the sonogram picture. "I can make a copy and get the agency to send one to you, if you'd like?"

They were staring in awe at the picture, completely silenced by the image in front of them.

"Does that mean that you've decided?" Lydia asked hopefully, tears forming in her eyes.

Erin took a breath before answering.

"Yeah I pick you guys," she said as she forced a smile onto her face, but when Lydia and Greg reacted to the news, that was enough to make her smile for real.

When they got home she went straight to her room, ignoring Hank who said he wanted to talk to her about something. The entire ride home she had been fighting the urge to cry, she had been so close on so many occasions, a song that would make her think about the baby or her mom or Jay, every single one was too much for her to handle.

She got to her bed and pulled the sonogram photo out of her bag, watching it blur in front of her as the tears welled up in her eyes. It was confusing, because she was giving it away, she knew in her head that she didn't want to keep it but her head wasn't controlling the way she was feeling. She knew that Greg and Lydia were what was best for this baby, but her body felt this yearning to keep the baby.

* * *

A few hours later she heard the front door open and then close again, and then her name was being called.

She walked slowly down the stairs and heard a voice that she recognised.

"Jay?" she said, in shock at seeing him at the bottom of the stairs having a conversation with Camille.

He smiled awkwardly at her but she was too surprised to return it, instead she kept looking between him and Camille, searching for an explanation.

"Erin, I ran into Jay's mother today at the doctors surgery," she explained. "I didn't realise but we went to high school together, we were both on the gymnastics team."

Erin was still speechless.

Why was Jay Halstead in her living room?

Was his mother okay?

"Anyway we went for coffee and Jay met us there," she continued. "It was only then that I put two and two together."

Erin nodded slowly, realising that she still hadn't said a word since her shocked exclamation of Jay's name.

"So I invited him over for dinner as a thank you for helping you catch up with the rest of your class," she smiled at Jay. "And of course for looking out for you at school with everything that's been going on."

Erin was so embarrassed, confused and still upset from earlier that she couldn't even process what was happening.

She hadn't told Camille that she and Jay had barely talked since he had found out about her pregnancy, and this didn't seem like the right time to bring it up.

At least Jay seemed to be just as uncomfortable as her.

"Dinner is almost ready so would you two mind setting the table?" Camille asked them both. "And Erin make sure to get Jay a drink."

She nodded and motioned for Jay to follow her, avoiding contact with his eyes.

"What do you want to drink?" she said as she looked in the fridge, it seemed that if he wanted anything other than orange juice or water then he was going to be disappointed.

"Erin," he said putting his hand on her shoulder from behind her, but she still wouldn't turn around. "I know I should have asked you before coming over here, but I couldn't say no to my mom."

She took a deep breath and any antagonism that she had towards him vanished in that moment. When she turned to look at him she smiled softly.

"So was that a no to the drink?" she asked him, offering an olive branch.

He smiled at her and they began setting the table together in a comfortable silence.

* * *

Dinner was less comfortable.

Hank was making it clear to Jay that he thought there was something going on between them. And making it abundantly clear that he had seen her kiss him in the car that time.

"Do you have a girlfriend Jay?" he asked him right as they were eating the lasagne that Hank had prepared that afternoon.

Jay looked like he was about to choke on the forkful of food that he had just stuffed into his mouth.

"No, I… um…" he stammered as he looked at me to save him. "I'm focusing on school this year."

"Good choice," Hank stated, the underlying threatening tone went unacknowledged by everyone at the table.

"What are your plans after you graduate?" Hank directed at Jay.

"For God's sake Hank," Camille chastised. "Jay wasn't invited here so you could interrogate him."

"It's alright Mrs. Voight," Jay insisted, making Camille smile at his politeness. "I'm actually not sure what I'm going to do yet, I'm thinking of staying in Chicago for college, to be close to my family."

"Why would you want to do that?" Justin scoffed. "I'm getting out of here as soon as I turn eighteen."

There was silence in the room, Justin's stupid big mouth just had to make this dinner even more awkward. It was clear that Camille and Hank both knew what was going on with Jay's mom and even more obvious that Jay didn't want to discuss it anymore today.

"Erin are you thinking of going to college next year?" Camille asked her encouragingly.

She swallowed, she hadn't really thought past the next five months, besides she'd never been one for planning ahead.

"I guess I'll take a look," she said, mostly to please Camille. "But I was thinking of taking a year out so I can decide what I really want to do with my life."

"Sensible," Hank muttered.

After a minute of uncomfortable silence where Camille seemed desperate to find something to talk about that wouldn't put Jay down anymore than he already was.

"Your mom told me you were quite the athlete Jay," she eventually asked. "Are you on any of the school teams?"

If Erin was being honest with herself she was also curious about this. She knew that Jay had been on the soccer team, and despite the fact that he didn't make it obvious, you could tell that he had an athletic body.

"I used to be on the soccer team," he admitted awkwardly. "but I let my grades slip last year so I decided to prioritise school over sport. You know, homework, you have more time… when you're not on a team."

She watched him as he spoke, he was a terrible liar. So now she was even more curious why he had quit the soccer team last year.

Once dinner was finally over Camille told them to go to Erin's room to look over Erin's English essay with much protest from both Hank and Justin.

"But then I'll have to clear the table on my own!" Justin whined. "How come they get to leave now?"

"I don't think that they should be alone," Hank said urgently. "Not in Erin's room, Camille."

Erin felt herself flushing at the implication Hank was making, she was already pregnant though, so what did it really matter if she was taking Jay upstairs to make out with him or whatever else he seemed to think she did with her friends.

"Justin, they set the table so it's your turn to clear it, no complaints," she ordered before turning to Hank. "They will be fine, we trust Erin and she wouldn't break our trust. Right Erin?"

Erin nodded quickly and turned to go to her room, Jay following her.

"I've actually barely done any of my English essay," she admitted. "I just wanted to get us out of there before Hank started accusing you of being the one to get me pregnant or something."

She regretted the joke as soon as she'd made it, the uncomfortable glance at her bump that he did showed her that he also wished she hadn't made it. When his eyes travelled to her midsection, she realised that this was the first time he was seeing her bump without it being covered with her baggy school cardigan.

He looked at her bed and she immediately knew that he had seen her sonogram photo.

"It's weird to think it's living inside me right?" she said as she picked up the photo and showed it to him closer.

He hummed in agreement.

"It's crazy that it already looks like a baby," he mumbled. "You can see it's face and it's arm."

"It probably looks even more like a baby now," she told him. "I have another scan next week where I can find out the sex."

"You want to know?" he asked, seemingly surprised.

"I met with the adoptive parents today," she swallowed. "They want to know so…"

He nodded.

"Who did you decide on, in the end?" he asked her.

"Greg and Lydia," she told him with a small smile on her face. "Turns out they're just as nice in person as they are on paper."

He didn't speak but instead grabbed her hand in his sweaty hand.

And that was enough for her to let her tears fall out.

"I'm sorry for brining it up," he said as he squeezed her hand tighter. "I know you don't like talking about it."

"It's not that," she shook her head. "It just doesn't seem fair, does it?"

"What doesn't?" he asked, confused.

"That there are good people, perfect people, who can't get pregnant but then, after everything I've messed up in my life this can still happen to me."

"You are good," he insisted. "I'd even say you were pretty perfect."

She laughed through her tears.

"Well now you're definitely lying," she laughed, wiping the tears away with the hand that wasn't in Jay's, not ready to leave the contact yet.

"Nobody's perfect," he stressed. "I think things have to happen for a reason, otherwise what's the point in it all? My mom has cancer and… whatever the outcome I'm going to carry that with me for the rest of my life and maybe because of that, I'm going to do things I wouldn't have otherwise, like maybe I'll donate to cancer charities or volunteer in the oncology department at a hospital. And maybe this baby happened to you because you needed a fresh start, away from your old life."

"Maybe it was because I needed friends that actually cared about me enough to say something like that."

He smiled at her, like nobody ever had before and wiped a tear away from her eyes. She had been so scared that he would see her differently once he knew about the pregnancy, but here he was, staring at her with so much care and devotion. He cupped her cheek and began leaning in towards her, his eyes on her lips, he was moving so slowly, as though he was scared that she would run away if he made any sudden movements. She closed her eyes and waited for his lips to touch hers.

But they never did.

Hank called him from downstairs to tell him that his dad had come to pick him up and he jumped about a foot away from her.

"I'm sorry," he rushed out before exiting her room to go home.

She was paralysed on the spot, with one thought spinning around her head.

 _Why was he sorry?_

* * *

 **It's been a bit longer than normal for an update but my life is now busy again. Hopefully it won't be too long until the next update though because it's one I've been looking forward to writing. Thanks for the reviews!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

By the time Monday had come around she hadn't spoken to Jay.

He hadn't contacted her, not even to say sorry again. For what ever reason he felt like he'd needed to apologise.

And what was she supposed to think about that? Was it because he didn't get to kiss her? Or was it because he shouldn't have even tried to kiss her? Did he not want to kiss her? Did she even want to kiss him? She needed friends, not potential boyfriends. Why did she let it get that far?

Considering that the last time they had been close, in that way anyway, it had resulted in the revelation of her pregnancy, she wasn't surprised at the silent treatment. She was worried though, because she didn't want things to be awkward between them, even though they had been distant for a while, she felt closer to him than anyone else at this school.

But she'd wanted to kiss him, when he'd leaned towards her she'd wanted nothing but his lips on hers. And she wasn't used to feeling that, usually it was a chore at best and a punishment at worst, but with Jay it just felt pure and good.

She couldn't pursue those feelings though; Jay deserved better than a pregnant girl with a drug addicted ex and a more complicated past than he even knew. And even though he had been the one to try and kiss her, he didn't want this. And she couldn't afford to lose him.

So on Monday when he tried to separate her from the rest of their group before school started to 'talk' (whatever that meant), she'd denied him, saying instead that she needed to get to homeroom early before leaving quickly.

Not quick enough, it seemed, as Kim had run after her.

"Okay what's going on with you and Jay?" she'd demanded immediately.

Erin sighed, as much as she loved Kim she was not in the mood for this right now.

"Nothing," she lied, slowing down as she felt her breathing quicken.

"You really think I'm going to believe that?" Kim asked her. "He looked liked you'd kicked his puppy when you said you wouldn't talk to him."

"Okay but you can't tell anybody," she said sternly. "Not even Adam."

Kim gave her the puppy dog eyes before finally agreeing.

"Jay tired to kiss me on Saturday," she admitted.

Kim's eyes had never been so wide.

"You stopped him?" she chastised.

"What? That's what you're surprised about?" Erin asked. "No, Hank called him and… you aren't surprised that he tried to kiss me?"

"Um no?" Kim said. "He is totally in love with you."

Erin couldn't even process what Kim was saying, her head was spinning.

"He's not," she insisted. "We barely even talk any more and he was probably just feeling sorry for me because I was crying."

Kim didn't seem impressed with her answer.

"It sounds like I need to hear the full story," she reasoned. "But probably not in homeroom."

Kim looked pointedly at the small group of cheerleaders who had entered the room.

Erin spent the rest of the morning thinking about what Kim had said, Jay couldn't have feelings for her. She was pregnant, and she was a complete mess, he didn't know how much she was keeping from him.

She could never be enough for him, he deserved someone better, someone who wasn't pregnant and damaged.

* * *

She went to the library at lunch, avoiding the rest of the group but specifically Jay. She could only eat when the librarian wasn't looking because of the no food rule but she was making it work, until Jay decided to ruin her plans.

"Don't run away from me," he said quickly as soon as she saw him. "Please?"

She just stared at him.

"I think we need to talk," he said, sitting down opposite her.

"Really?" she asked. "Because I would have thought that if you really wanted to talk to me then you would have called me Saturday night, or maybe even Sunday?"

"I'm sorry," he said and she'd never been that annoyed at him before.

Didn't he understand that was why she was mad at him in the first place? He almost kissed her, apologised and then didn't speak to her for two days.

"I should have called you or come over to see you," he admitted. "But I was scared."

"Of me?" she asked sceptically.

"Not exactly," he muttered but then put a teasing grin on his face. "Although now you mention it…"

She glared at him.

"If the only reason you came to speak to me was to tell me you're scared of me then please leave me alone."

Then the words spilled out of his mouth.

"I like you, Erin."

She had spent the morning preparing for this, not believing it was true but preparing for the one in a million chance that Jay had feelings for her. But now that he was in front of her, she couldn't speak.

"You don't," she told him, refusing to look at his eyes. "You can't like me."

"Well I do," he persisted. "I know it won't be easy but on Saturday I realised that even with all of the complications in our lives, all I want right now is to be with you."

She looked at him then, his eyes were ocean blue and she felt like she could see his soul, he was being honest and that scared her more than the possibility that she liked him more than he liked her.

"You realise that I'm pregnant?" she said softly. "You don't want to be with me, Jay."

"I don't care," he said, taking her hand on the table, and she couldn't bring herself to take it away.

"You don't care that I'm pregnant with another guy's baby?" she asked softly. "You don't care that there is someone else's child living inside me?"

"I want to be there for you," he said, his eyes burning mine. "We can wait until you've had the baby and it's all over, but I need to be with you."

She took her hand away at that moment.

"And what if I change my mind?" she asked him, packing her books away into her bag. "If I keep the baby then how would you feel about me being a mom."

He stumbled then.

"But… you're not keeping it?" he asked, confused.

"I… I know," she said, looking down. "That's what I want to do, but what if something changed?"

He didn't have an answer to that so she took her chance.

"This can't work, Jay."

* * *

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Camille asked Erin as she placed the back of her hand on her forehead. "It's not like you to miss your tutoring sessions with Jay?"

"I was just feeling sick earlier," Erin said. "I'm fine now."

Camille looked at her, concerned and seemingly troubled by something.

"Erin I need to talk to you about something," she said, closing the book that Erin was reading.

Erin turned to face her, sensing the seriousness of Camille's tone.

"A man came to the door today," she started. "It wasn't Charlie but he was asking to see you and when I said you weren't in, he gave me a letter to give to you."

Erin swallowed, she knew what was coming.

"I opened the letter," Camille admitted. "I was worried that whatever was in it would hurt you, so I thought I should read it first."

Erin nodded, wondering whether she should be upset about Camille reading a letter addressed to her, but maybe it was time for her to know whatever was in the letter.

"Do you want to tell me about Steve?" Camille asked gently.

"You probably already know from that letter," she muttered uncomfortably.

"Whatever that letter implies, I want to hear it from you."

Erin didn't want to do this, she'd never wanted anyone to find out and now, it felt like the minute she told Camille, the whole world would know.

"He's my mom's boyfriend," she explained. "They've been together for about a year."

"Hank said he's an ex con, drug bust ten years ago," Camille encouraged.

"He's not a nice guy," she agreed. "He's been violent with my mom since they got together and a few months after he started doing the same thing to me, he said no one would believe me and no one cared."

She took a deep breath and felt Camille's hand on her shoulder.

"I started spending more time at Charlie's so I didn't have to be at home," she continued. "But then it got worse when I eventually did come home; he started touching me, pinning me down and…"

She stopped then; she couldn't get the words out. She'd never said them before.

"Did he rape you?" Camille asked softly and Erin could see that her eyes were brimmed with tears.

It felt like a weight had been taken off her chest. No one had ever asked her that before, even though her mom, Bunny, must have known, she hadn't cared. She hadn't had anyone to tell, not someone who would understand.

"Yes," Erin confessed.

She watched as Camille let out a small noise and glanced at the ceiling.

"Is he the father of the baby?" Camille asked, suddenly realising why Erin had been so withdrawn when it came to discussing the father.

"I don't know," she admitted. "It could be his or it could be Charlie's, the dates were too close together."

"Did you tell anyone?" Camille asked her.

"No one cares," she said quietly, the tears spilling over now. "My mom, I didn't tell her but she knew, she had to have known what he was doing."

"I care Erin," Camille professed. "And Hank cares, Justin cares even though he might not always show it. And your friends, they care. There are so many people who love you, Erin."

But Camille didn't understand, the first time she'd been raped she was thirteen. And that's what she thought sex was, because it was her seventeen year old boyfriend who did it and she thought that was how it happened. She didn't tell her mom because she was embarrassed that the experience that her friend, Annie had told her would make her a grown woman was the worst experience she'd ever had in her life. And when her mom's boyfriend had touched her when she was fourteen her mom had been in the room, maybe she hadn't seen it but maybe she had. Erin had frozen, she wanted to hit him to stop him from touching her, but her body was paralysed.

"What does the letter say?" she asked, wiping the tears from her eyes. She didn't want Camille to worry about her.

"He's trying to intimidate you," Camille explained gently. "He wanted to stop you telling us what happened and he stressed that if the baby was his then he needed to know."

"I don't want him to know," Erin said immediately. "He can't have any say in what happens to the baby."

Camille sighed and moved the hair back from Erin's face.

"I know," she told her.

"I'll pretend it's definitely Charlie's," she said determinedly. "Nobody needs to know what happened."

"It's not that simple," Camille said calmly. "I think you need help Erin."

She looked at her, confused at what she was suggesting. Did she mean that she needed a lawyer because Steve needed to know? He couldn't find out. If the only thing she could do for this baby was protect it from him then she would do it, whether it was unlawful or unethical or everyone told her it was wrong. She wouldn't let him anywhere near this baby.

"I think you should talk to a psychiatrist," Camille explained. "Because everything you just told me broke my heart, but I don't think it broke yours."

She paused when Erin looked down at her knees.

"And I think that's because yours is already broken," she continued. "And we need to work on mending that."

For the first time in her life, Erin felt like maybe someone really had listened. Maybe she really did care.

* * *

After waiting for Erin for forty minutes, Jay had given up on their tutoring session and headed home. He'd tried calling her and she had ignored him, he supposed he deserved it after that weekend.

He hadn't wanted to hurt her, but the moment that he had almost kissed her, he felt so much more for her than he ever had before, for Allie or any of the other crushes he'd had.

He was in love with her.

And he was terrified of that.

Because that wasn't supposed to happen when he was in high school with a girl he had known for just a few months and had kissed once. It wasn't supposed to happen when his mom was sick and his dad was never home and his house felt less like a home than ever. It wasn't meant to happen when Erin was pregnant.

But it had and here he was, in love with a girl that had just told him that they couldn't be together.

He wanted to be with her, so bad. He couldn't be around her without wanting to kiss her, and he knew she had feelings for him. That was the one thing she hadn't denied earlier, he just had to show her that he was serious about this and that it could work.

And it's not like she was really going to keep the baby, she had a plan and she had told him that she couldn't keep it.

But then what if she did? What if she changed her mind? Could he be with her if she was the mom of a tiny baby? He wasn't ready to have a role in a baby's life, and Erin wasn't either, she'd told him that. That's why she had a plan.

It wouldn't happen, he was going to be with her and she was going to give the baby to someone who could actually take care of it and everyone would be happy.

Jay was walking down the driveway when he heard his dad yelling from inside the house, so he quickened his pace.

"You think I care what you want?" he was shouting when Jay walked through the front door. "You think it matters to me?"

As Jay walked into the living room he saw his mother sat on the couch with his dad standing over her, not caring how imposing and intimidating he was.

"Dad," Jay called to get his attention. "Stop."

"Get out of here," his dad scoffed at him. "This is a conversation between me and your mom."

He didn't move, he wasn't about to leave his mom in the same room as his dad when there was a whisky glass in his dad's hand and he had that look on his face.

"Jay," his mom addressed him, tired and weary. "You don't need to hear this."

"You don't want him to know?" his dad directed to him.

"What's going on?" he asked warily. "Is something going on with mom's treatment?"

There was silence in the room until his dad shouted.

"She's giving up," he proclaimed. "She wants to put all of the time and effort and money that I spent on her to waste."

At that his dad left the room, whisky in hand and slammed the door to his study.

"What's he talking about mom?" he asked, dreading the answer.

She sighed and patted the space next to her on the couch to encourage him to sit there.

He sat next to her and she took his hands in hers.

"I wanted to tell you and Will together," she began and he felt a lump in his throat. "I had an appointment today with my oncologist and the treatment hasn't helped as much as they were hoping."

"You can try a different treatment though?" he said. "There has to be something else."

"It's too late for that now," she explained softly. "I know it's hard but I know that you'll understand this Jay."

He swallowed the tears but he couldn't speak, he couldn't lose his mom. There had to be something else.

"I'm not going to get better," she told him. "And I don't want to spend the rest of my life having chemo and being sick."

"I don't… I don't want you to…" he couldn't get the words out, but they both heard them.

"Everything's going to be just fine," she said, hugging him. "I promise."

He left the room and walked to his room, the minute the door closed he let the tears fall. And he felt the anger inside him bursting out as he kicked his desk chair. He got out his phone and called Erin again, waiting as the ringing tone continued, silently begging her to pick up.

He needed her.

* * *

 **I don't really like where I ended this chapter but I hope you still enjoyed it.**

 **There was a question in the reviews for the last chapter, in this story Camille hasn't been diagnosed with cancer - having a doctor's appointment is the first thing excuse I think of because I'm a med student. Also thanks for pointing out my mistake, it's all fixed now.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

She'd ignored his calls that day, and ever since then he hadn't been at school. She'd asked the others where he was but they didn't know; he'd told them that he was okay, he just wasn't going to be at school for a little while. When she texted him, the message was read but ignored. After the weekend when he still wasn't at school she decided to call him, but his phone was switched off and when she went to his house, nobody was home.

She missed him.

The truth was that she really did like him a lot, she looked forward to when he was tutoring her because it meant an entire hour when she had him to herself, but he hadn't been there. She wanted to tell him that she was nervous about the scan she was having later today, and that Camille was asking her to see a therapist. She wouldn't tell him the reason why, but she wanted to tell him things about her, and she wanted him to tell her things too.

On that day, after school when she walked into the library to see who Jay's substitute would be, she got the shock of her life.

Allie Corson was her tutor today.

"Finally," she muttered as Erin got her books out of her bag.

"Shouldn't you be at cheer practice or something?" Erin grumbled, there was no one she wanted less than Allie as her tutor.

"It was nationals last week so we have a break," she explained. "Thought I'd help out those less fortunate by tutoring."

Erin rolled her eyes and started doing her work in silence until Allie interrupted her.

"What's going on with you and Jay?" she asked suddenly.

"Why do you care?" Erin shot back.

Allie gave her a patronising smile.

"I've known Jay forever and if he's about to make a huge mistake then I need to know so I can stop him," she said casually, not caring that everything that she had just called Erin a 'mistake' and that she was effectively saying that Jay couldn't make his own decisions.

"Seriously?" Erin said. "I'm not dating Jay but even if I was it would have nothing to do with you."

"Jay's a good guy," Allie told her unnecessarily. "He doesn't deserve to be used by you just so your baby can have a dad."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Erin said in a warning tone. "You don't know anything about me and you don't even speak to Jay anymore so leave us both alone."

"Oh honey," Allie said condescendingly. "You think that Jay doesn't talk to me? I'm going to guess that you don't even know why he hasn't been at school?"

Erin couldn't respond to that, because it was true, she had no idea where Jay had been for the past week.

But then Allie couldn't help but rub it in her face even more.

"I do, because Jay told me," she claimed. "He told me about his mom's cancer before anyone else, he told me all of his secrets before he even knew you existed."

Erin couldn't speak, Allie could be lying for all she knew but she could also be telling the truth. Is that why Jay was ignoring her calls and texts? Was he confiding in Allie instead of her?

"You can't fight a lifetime's worth of friendship," Allie informed her smugly. "And I was Jay's first love, another thing you can't fight."

That was the final straw for Erin. She refused to sit here and listen to her disclose the details of her relationship with Jay.

"Stay the hell away from me," Erin hissed as she left the table.

She stormed out of the room and spent an hour waiting outside for Camille to pick her up to go to her ultrasound scan.

Why did Allie hate her so much? All she wanted was a peaceful and quiet few months until she graduated but Allie seemed determined to turn it into her own personal hell.

Erin got into the car as soon as Camille arrived, she just wanted to get away from school.

"How was your day?" Camille asked her.

"Fine," Erin commented. "Jay wasn't here again."

"Maybe his family have gone on vacation," Camille suggested.

"Yeah maybe," Erin acknowledged.

* * *

She tried to put Jay to the back of her mind when she arrived at the doctor's office, she had more important things to think about right now like the life growing inside her. She had been so distracted recently that she hadn't had time to think about what this scan would be like for her, knowing for certain whether it was a boy or girl and whether it was healthy. But also knowing that it wasn't her baby; she had committed to giving it to someone else, and she wasn't sure how she would feel when she saw it on a screen this time.

She felt Camille place her hand on her arm in the waiting room and then heard a nurse call her name.

"Erin," Camille whispered. "It's time to go in."

She walked into the room past all of the other pregnant women, she was definitely the youngest one there and they had all noticed it. They shot disapproving or sympathetic looks her way that came across as condescending either way. But she held her head high as she walked into the treatment room.

"So today I understand that you're here for a 20 week anomaly scan," the nurse questioned. "Is that correct?"

Erin nodded but nerves had suddenly overcome her; she was going to find out the sex today, she was going to find out if there was anything wrong with the baby. What if Greg and Lydia didn't want a disabled baby? Could they pull out of the adoption? She'd found the perfect people, she needed them to adopt the baby.

Erin had barely noticed the gel being put on her abdomen and the wand being placed there until she heard the heartbeat, it seemed a bit slower this time, almost like it was less panicked and terrified. Like it knew that she had a plan and she had calming influences in her life now.

"That's a nice healthy heartbeat," the ultrasound tech commented before proceeding to take measurements and look at the baby from all possible angles, commenting that everything was looking perfectly normal. She could see it's hand waving around in there, like it was saying hello to her.

"Okay so are we finding out the gender?" the tech asked, looking from her to Camille, as though it was either one of their decisions.

Erin nodded, unable to voice the words. She didn't want to know, she didn't want to be able to picture this baby and think about it's future, it would be too hard. But it wasn't her choice.

"It looks to me like you're having a baby girl," the tech smiled at her, expecting her to be excited, talking about the cute outfits she could buy and decorating with pink.

She did not anticipate tears, and they definitely weren't tears of joy.

Camille took hold of her hand and squeezed it tightly.

"You're being so brave here," she whispered. "Just remember that you're doing this all for her, it's all for this little girl."

Erin didn't feel brave, she felt like she was running away from what had happened and what she'd done. But she was going to give birth to this baby girl, and she was going to give her a better life than she was able to, even if that meant that she couldn't be there to watch her grow up.

In many ways she was relieved it was a girl. If it was a boy, and he'd turned out to be Steve's, would genetics somehow make him a bad person? Would he do the same things that Steve did to her? But a girl would look like her and despite all of the mistakes Erin had made in her life, she'd never harmed someone. And her baby wouldn't hurt anyone.

* * *

As soon as they'd got home Erin had sent the sonogram photo to Greg and Lydia via the adoption agency's email and a few hours later, when it was just her, Camille and Justin watching TV and waiting for Hank to return home, she got a call from them.

She took a deep breath and paused for a moment before answering the phone.

"Hello?" she said, quietly hoping that this conversation would be quick.

"Hi Erin," Lydia's voice came from the phone, excited and friendly. "It's Lydia."

"Yeah," she said awkwardly. "How are you?"

She could almost hear Lydia smile from all the way in Minnesota.

"I'm great, everything's great. I just had to thank you," Lydia said. "That sonogram photo just made our day."

"I actually have some more news," Erin said hesitantly. "I was going to wait until the next time we saw each other in person, but I found out today that the baby is a girl."

There was silence on the phone while Lydia took the news in.

"That- that's amazing," Lydia whispered, completely taken aback by the news.

"Yeah so I guess you can start shopping and picking names and all of that," Erin muttered.

Lydia didn't respond, giving Erin a moment to reflect on why she felt so uncomfortable talking to Lydia right now. She didn't know whether it was jealousy because she felt the natural connection to want to take care of this baby, or whether it just hurt that she had to go through all of this, that her due date was still so far away and she was going to be in all of this pain for four more months.

"Erin?" Lydia's voice snapped her back into focus. "How are you doing with everything?"

"I'm fine," Erin responded. "The second trimester is a lot easier than the first."

"I didn't mean physically, Erin," Lydia said. "I meant how are you feeling? I can't imagine how much your head must be spinning right now."

She wanted to let it out, ever since she had told Camille about Steve, she felt an urge to talk to someone about it, it was like she'd opened the floodgates. She needed to let some of the tension and pain inside of her out into the world, but she was still terrified. She couldn't tell Lydia, what if she told her about her doubts and the attachment she was feeling and then Lydia thought that she was going to back out of the adoption? Or what if she freaked out if she told her about Charlie and Steve and didn't want to adopt the baby anymore if it didn't come from good people?

When Erin didn't speak, Lydia did instead.

"I can't imagine how hard it must be for you," she said gently.

"It's not easy to talk about," Erin admitted.

"I know," Lydia said, even though she didn't. "But I want you to know that if you ever need anyone to talk to then I'm just a phone call away."

"Thanks," Erin said, as tears began falling down her face. It was strange, because she'd never been a crier until this pregnancy, she just dealt with things, nothing really got to her. But now she had too much to lose, she was scared and she felt like she was sprinting just to keep up with the others in her life.

"I have to go now," Erin said suddenly, drying her eyes. "I have some homework to do."

"Okay," Lydia said. "I'll let Greg know that you called and tell him the big news, speak to you later Erin."

She hung up the phone and tried to ignore the stares she was receiving from Camille and Justin.

"Was that Lydia?" Camille asked. "Is she happy the baby's a girl?"

"Yeah she seemed excited," Erin forced a smile.

"I bet she is," Camille commented. "Shopping for a girl is so much more fun, me and Hank always wanted a little girl."

"Thanks for the love mom," Justin snarked. "Nice to know that you guys were disappointed in my gender."

"Oh come on," Camille laughed. "You would not believe how excited you dad was that you were a boy – we both were. But we always planned on having a little girl as well, it just never worked out. Until now."

Camille smiled at Erin, she was being accepted as part of this family, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. Because she had a mom, she even kind of had a half-brother, despite the fact that she hadn't seen him in about six years. It felt treacherous that she now had another family, a better one, but she couldn't just forget about the past seventeen years and the mother that had raised her, however badly she'd done that.

"Whatever," Justin mumbled. "If you guys are going to talk about babies and shopping all night then I'm going to bed."

Camille said goodnight to him whilst Justin climbed the stairs to go to his room.

"We don't have to talk about babies and shopping if you don't want to," Camille joked.

Erin nodded but didn't say anything, instead watching the TV.

"You know what you said about speaking to a therapist?" Erin spoke slowly. "I think I want to try it."

"To talk about what happened with Steve?" Camille asked carefully.

"I guess," she replied. "But I wanted to talk about my mom as well."

"She hasn't come around in a while now," Camille commented. "That must be… confusing for you."

Erin nodded in agreement.

"Maybe you could talk about school as well," Camille suggested. "About your friends and those people who aren't your friends. And Jay."

"Yeah," Erin breathed.

"You haven't seen the last of him," she said. "He'll come back and then you two can fix whatever is going on between the two of you."

"What?" Erin asked, feigning confusion. "Jay and me… it's not…"

"I might not be young anymore Erin," Camille laughed. "But I still know what it looks like when a boy has feelings for a girl and she feels them right back."

"It's not that simple," Erin sighed. "It's like we're never in the same place and I think I messed it up."

Camille waited for her to continue.

"I was pissed at him so I didn't pick up the phone when he called," she confessed. "But now he won't talk to me and I have no idea where he is or whether he's coming back."

"Everything will work out," Camille promised her, smoothing the hair at the side of her face.

And as Erin smiled at Camille all she could hope was that she was right, maybe everything would work out, she just wished she could see a future where that happened; where she felt safe in a family who loves her, where her baby grew up happily and she maybe even had something with Jay. For now all she could do was hope.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I wasn't happy with this chapter because it felt like nothing happened but if the next chapter goes as planned it should be a pretty interesting one.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

She'd never been in a psychiatrist's office before, but it was exactly what she thought it would be like, the comfortable chairs and the middle aged woman that was too calm and too still to be a real person. Erin had only been in the room for about ten minutes and they hadn't spoken in the last five.

"Aren't you supposed to ask me questions or something?" she questioned the therapist, Anne.

"Aren't you supposed to talk when I ask you questions?" Anne fired back.

Erin sulked at that, it didn't seem fair that her first question was 'so why did you decide to come to therapy?' because that wasn't a question she could answer easily. What was she supposed to say? Should she go into what happened with Steve immediately or wait for a while?

"Okay let's start again," Anne suggested. "What have you been doing today?"

She could do this one.

"I was at school," she informed her. "And then tutoring after school."

"Do you like going to school?" Anne asked.

She considered that for a minute.

"I guess," she finally said. "I like some things and then others I could do without."

"Like what?"

"Like the rumours that go around about me," she said. "And the bitchy cheerleaders, I feel like the world could do with less of them."

When Anne didn't say anything Erin realised that she was supposed to keep talking.

"Even before the school found out that I was pregnant there were rumours going around about me," she explained. "But then after people found out, they won't ask me about it, they just talk about it and spread things that aren't even true."

Once again Anne didn't respond.

"There's this one cheerleader who started spreading things around," Erin admitted. "She was spreading rumours about me keeping the baby and then the rest of the school started doing that as well."

Anne didn't speak again, just gestured for her to continue.

"There were rumours going around about who the father of the baby was," Erin told her. "There were even rumours that Jay, my… um… friend was the father."

"And I'm assuming that wasn't true?" Anne asked her, finally accepting that Erin had spoken enough.

"No," she said with conviction, attempting not to let any regret seep into her voice. "It just wasn't fair on him to have people talking about him like that."

Anne nodded, making notes in the notebook resting on her lap.

"So who is the father of your baby?" Anne asked.

"She's not my baby," Erin corrected. "She's going to be adopted."

She could tell that Anne was looking too much into the way that she'd said that, she'd probably ask her about that now. And she really wasn't in the mood to justify the reasons that she chose adoption.

"My question still stands," Anne said, surprising Erin.

It made her wonder whether Camille had already told her about Steve and Charlie, why else would she be pressuring her to answer that particular question?

"I don't know," she stated.

"Can you tell me more about that?" Anne pressed.

Erin sighed but continued.

"She could be my ex-boyfriend, Charlie's or a different guy, Steve," she said, hesitating before adding a final detail. "Steve is my mom's boyfriend, he… he assaulted me around the time I got pregnant."

"And how do you think you are being affected by that?" Anne asked her, pen poised in her hand ready to make notes.

"I don't know," she said, avoiding eye contact. "I try not to think about it."

"Why is that?" Anne asked her, despite seeing how uncomfortable she was.

"Because I don't like to remember being raped."

She'd said it bluntly, hoping to shock Anne into changing the subject, but it didn't work.

"Do you think that is influencing your feelings about this pregnancy?"

Erin almost rolled her eyes.

"How could it not be?" she said. "When I first got pregnant whenever I thought about her, I thought about what happened. So I tried to pretend she was Charlie's, but even he isn't an ideal father."

She finally looked at Anne.

"I just want to move on."

* * *

Jay hadn't been to school in two weeks but when he returned, it felt like he'd never left. It had been a tough few weeks, trying to accept that his mom had stopped her treatment and trying to ignore his dad's actions since then. But he'd made it through as best he could.

He was nervous about coming back, he didn't know where he stood with Erin and he didn't want to tell his friends what was happening but he was going to have to do it at some point. He'd messed up with Erin, he'd called her when it was too late, after kissing her and confusing her when she didn't need that. Being away for a couple of weeks had given him time to think and consider what had happened and what he wanted to do about it. But first he needed to get her to talk to him.

When he saw her at school, at the other end of the hallway, he could see that she'd changed. Maybe her bump had got bigger and she wasn't as able to hide it under her cardigan anymore, or maybe it was something different, but she seemed so much more comfortable in the way that she carried herself.

God he'd missed her.

He recognised the moment that she noticed he was there, her eyes lighting up for a split second before she hid the emotions on her face, deciding to scowl at him instead. He wouldn't let that put him off though, so he walked towards her, trying to show a confidence that he wasn't feeling inside. He was pretty sure she saw straight through it.

"Hi guys," he said, greeting the whole group but only looking at Erin, trying to gage her reaction to his presence.

"Good to see you, where have you been?" Adam asked him.

"Just a last minute family vacation," he said, he'd tell them about his mom when they weren't stood in the middle of the school hallway.

Erin didn't say anything, just stared blankly at him.

"So I guess I'm back to being your tutor," he said, smiling at her in the hope that she would respond.

"I guess," she said unenthusiastically.

She then turned and walked away so he followed her, leaving their friends behind.

"Erin," he called after her, easily catching up to her in her pregnant state. "I really need to talk to you."

"I don't know what there's left to say," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "Can't we just leave it?"

"I have more to say," he insisted. "I know we didn't leave things in the best place but…"

Erin cut him off, turning around to look at him.

"I tried to call you while you were away," she told him. "I texted you and you didn't reply, you just disappeared."

"I know and I'll explain all of that later," he maintained. "I tried to call you before I left."

"So because I didn't answer one call that gave you the right to ignore me for two weeks?" Erin asked.

"That's not what I meant," Jay said, noticing that they were now outside Erin's homeroom.

Just as she was about to walk inside, he stopped her.

"I promise we'll talk about it later okay?"

Erin looked at him, their eyes connecting for a moment until she nodded in agreement.

At least he had a chance, and he wouldn't screw it up.

* * *

He'd grabbed her at the beginning of lunch and asked her to go and eat with him outside rather than in the cafeteria with Kim, Adam and Kevin.

Once they had sat down, in a quiet area of the outside of the school Jay considered where to start, it didn't matter in the end because Erin started in the conversation.

"Why did you just disappear like that?" she asked him straight away.

"It's a long story," he warned.

"Well we've got an hour," she said, looking at the time on her phone.

"My mom," he started, blinking away tears. "She's stopping her treatment."

"Jay," Erin interrupted. "I'm so sorry-"

He put his hand up to stop her speaking, he couldn't handle her saying she was sorry and offering condolences.

"My dad didn't take it well and he didn't want to be around my mom," he continued. "So my mom decided to go away to our cabin in Wisconsin and I went with her. My brother, Will, met us there and we spent some time together, we got back a few days ago but my dad had left the house, it turns out he's been having an affair with someone he works with for months."

She was speechless, whatever she had been expecting this clearly wasn't it.

"There's all this pain going on around me right now," he said. "And it's made me realise what I want, I want to be happy Erin, and you make me happy."

"We've talked about this before," she started to protest, but he could tell she didn't want to.

"You talked about it before," he clarified. "I don't care that you're pregnant, I don't care about your past; we can make this work, all you have to do is say yes."

She didn't respond straight away, leaving him in suspense whilst she just looked at the tree in front of her.

"You know I was worried about you while you were away?" she said. "All I could think was what would have happened if I'd just picked up the phone when you called."

"You were the first person I wanted to talk to after my mom told me," he explained.

That seemed to overwhelm her and that wasn't what he wanted, that's why he wasn't telling her exactly how strongly he felt about her. Because he was almost convinced that he was in love with her, and that scared him, never mind how much it would scare her.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer the phone," she apologised.

"And I'm sorry I didn't call you while I was away," he said.

"You were going through so much," she said, taking his hand in hers. "It's fine, it's absolutely fine."

There was a pause where they both looked down at their entwined hands.

"I really like you," he persisted. "And I know that you might be scared, but I also know that I'll do whatever I can to make you happy."

"I really care about you," Erin said. "And I want to be with you, but there's still things about my past that you don't know and I can't be with you until I tell you."

"So tell me," he insisted.

She looked around and despite there being nobody else there she didn't seem comfortable saying whatever she needed to when they were at school.

"Come to my house after school," he said. "We can talk there."

"What about your mom?" Erin asked.

"She's going to support group tonight so she won't be in."

Erin smiled shyly, and they finished their lunch with him telling her about his cabin in Wisconsin and their hands never left each other.

* * *

That evening they entered Jay's home after cutting their tutoring session short, Jay claiming that since he was the teacher he had the authority to give them an extra half an hour of freedom.

When Jay closed the door behind them, Erin looked around the hallway; it was immaculate and bigger than some of the apartments she'd lived in with her mom. She'd never been to his house before, she knew his family wasn't hurting for money but seeing his home environment amplified their differences.

"Jay?" a woman's voice called from a room down the hall.

Jay froze on the spot as his mom entered the room behind him.

Erin took the woman in, she was thin and she was wearing a scarf over her head, presumably because of hair loss from her cancer treatment. But despite her outward sick appearance, her smile made her radiant and warm, it put Erin at ease in this strange house.

"Hey mom," he greeted. "Um… this is Erin."

"Nice to finally meet you," she said, smiling at her before glancing down at her bump. "Although I was under the impression that the two of you would be at your tutoring session for another twenty minutes?"

Erin opened her mouth to defend them but Jay got there first.

"They were installing some new computers so we decided to finish our session here," he lied, causing Erin to raise her eyebrows at him.

"I thought you would be at your meeting?" Jay asked her, swiftly changing the subject.

"It's starting an hour later today," his mom explained.

"Oh," Jay said, seemingly disappointed. "Well me and Erin were just going to got to my room to study."

He started heading towards the staircase when his mom stopped him.

"Not in your room Jay," she chastised. "You know the rules."

Jay's cheeks flamed with embarrassment and Erin kind of got it, they were teenagers and she was just trying to be a responsible mother... but she was pregnant, what did she think they were going to get up to up there? She supposed her mom didn't really know what was going on between them, but she was pretty sure that if her and Jay ever did get around to dating, it would be so much more than just physical relationship.

"Right," he said, trying to solve this embarrassing situation. "What if we use the dining room?"

His mom gave him a sympathetic look, recognising that she had embarrassed him in front of the girl he liked.

"Or we could order pizza and have dinner together?" his mom suggested. "You can study later when I've left, if that's okay with you of course Erin."

"Yeah that's fine with me," Erin agreed, although she was feeling increasingly nervous about spending time with Jay's mom when she knew that the family was going through a lot and she didn't know what Jay's mom would make of her and the situation she was in.

She took a breath, sat down across from Jay's mom and prepared for questioning.

* * *

"Your mom's nice," Erin said, after his mom had left and it was just the two of them in the house.

At this point they had moved into Jay's bedroom and Erin had a suspicion that it was because of the pictures that dressed the walls all over the ground floor of the house. Erin was sat on a desk chair in his room and he was sat on his bed, facing her.

Jay nodded in agreement, she wondered if it was too hard to talk about. She also wondered if he would have still invited her, knowing that his mother was in the house.

"Earlier you said you needed to tell me some things," he said gently. "I want you to know that you don't have to tell me, not if you don't want to and not if you aren't ready. I still want to be with you, whether you tell me everything or not."

She was completely in awe of him; how could someone who she had only known for a few months be so accepting towards her when her own family weren't? She knew she could tell him, and she knew that she would have to tell him eventually, but she didn't want to ruin this day, not when they were close and getting closer to being something.

"I promise I'll tell you," she conceded. "I will tell you one day, but today isn't that day."

He didn't show any disappointment that he might be feeling, he just reached across the gap between them and took her hand.

A split second after their hands connected she felt a kick in her abdomen.

Before today she had only ever felt vague flutters and movements, but this was a kick – a real foot kicking her just below her ribs.

She let out a noise resembling an "oh," and gently touched her belly with her free hand.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked, concern etching on his face. "Is it the baby?"

She looked at him, feeling a smile on her face and watching him return it.

"She's kicking," she whispered. "She's actually kicking."

He didn't speak, just continued to stare, one minute at her bump and the next at her face.

"Come on," she said, walking over to sit on the bed next to him. "See if you can feel it too."

He placed his hand cautiously over her belly and she moved it to where she felt the kick before.

"Maybe she just needs a minute," Erin whispered, as though she might scare her off with stage fright.

"You keep saying she…" Jay hinted, not moving his hand an inch.

Erin grinned and nodded.

"It's a girl," she confirmed.

"Wow," he gaped.

She laughed at how ineloquent he was, and he laughed at their awkward situation, with his hand resting over a baby that wasn't his – or even hers really.

"Would this be a completely inappropriate time to kiss you?" he asked, a boyish grin on his face.

"You never have to ask me that question again," she smiled back.

And just as their lips were about to touch, the baby kicked her again, and she was going to take that as a good sign.

* * *

 **A lot of dialogue in this chapter but Jay's back and they're kind-of-sort-of together? so I hope you liked that. What do you think about Erin and Jay dating while she's pregnant? It feels a bit weird to me so I'm not sure whether to pursue it.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Erin was happy, she finally felt content. Not all of the time, but overall she would say that this was the happiest she had ever been. And she was putting it down to Jay. They were dating, officially as of two weeks ago, and since then happiness had overtaken the both of them, even with all of the complications in their lives they were finding away to be happy. The rest of the world seemed happy for them too, for the most part.

Jay hadn't actually told his mom that they were together, but she had been at their house enough in the past two weeks that she must have guessed that was what was going on. They were sticking firmly to her 'no girls in the bedroom' rule now at least, Mrs. Halstead didn't need any more stress in her life right now.

Hank wasn't thrilled about this development in her and Jay's relationship, he thought it was inappropriate when she was pregnant and she needed to focus on school but he wasn't protesting too much, maybe deep down he knew that Jay was good for her. At least Camille was happy for her, convincing Hank to let her spend time with him outside of school and tutoring.

School hadn't been positive or negative particularly. They had received some strange looks but Jay's past as one of the popular kids meant that people didn't say anything to them, at least to their face, she was almost certain there were things going around about them behind their backs.

The only blemish on the last month had been her mom who had been trying to get in contact with her again, coming to the Voight's house, calling her and texting her. At least she hadn't turned up at school again.

"Your mom called earlier whilst you were out with Hank," Camille told her. "She wants to see you, she said that she's changed."

"I've heard that story before," Erin commented.

"I know that I can't even begin to understand your relationship with your mom," Camille said. "But you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to have a relationship with her, even if it's not the same as before."

Erin didn't respond, instead she pondered over Camille's statement. There was a connection that she had with her mom, one that she couldn't deny or shake, it was the same as the one that she shared with the baby inside of her. But her mom had made so many mistakes, some were unforgivable. But that yearning was still there, no matter how much she had done to hurt her.

She looked down at her phone to distract herself, these thoughts could be saved for another day and noticed a text from Jay.

"is that Jay who's got you smiling like that?" Camille asked her, raising her eyebrows from across the living room.

Erin smiled coyly, putting her phone away for a minute.

"Maybe…"

They say in silence for a minute, Camille continuing with her knitting (apparently she has been making progress with whatever it was that she was trying to make) until Jay replied to her text.

"You could just go and see him instead of texting him you know," Camille suggested, laughing at the love-sick teenager.

She tried to wipe the smile from her face but it wouldn't leave.

She responded to Camille whilst replying to Jay's text.

"I wish," she sighed. "He's at the hospital with his mom, she had a temperature last night so they went to the doctor this morning and got sent to the hospital just in case there's something more serious going on."

"That doesn't sound good," Camille commented, narrowing her eyes at Erin. "Is Jay okay?"

"Yeah he's fine," she assured her. "He doesn't seem worried, apparently this has happened a couple of times before when she was on chemo and she was always fine. They're just being cautious because she had a chest infection last week."

Camille nodded again whilst Erin stared at his phone, waiting for him to reply.

But he never did.

* * *

It was a Sunday afternoon when his mom died. He was stood in the middle of the hospital ward, and he just couldn't understand how he got here.

On Friday she had a temperature – that was it – it was just a temperature. But now two days later she was dead? How did that happen?

 _"I'm so sorry," the doctor said. "Your mother's organs are shutting down and she won't recover from this."_

 _Jay felt his head pounding and the world blurred around him, he tried to focus on what the doctor was telling him but he couldn't comprehend it._

 _How could someone be smiling and laughing and then two days later be dying?_

 _"Do you understand what I'm saying Jay?" The doctor asked him, snapping him back into focus. "It will only be a matter of hours."_

And he was right, a few hours later his mom died.

He was holding her hand for hours, watching her sleep and waiting until she stopped breathing and when she did he couldn't let go. His dad arrived after she had already gone, not showing any emotion and ignoring his son. Apparently Will wasn't even coming home.

As he walked out of the hospital next to his father he looked at his phone and saw the texts and missed calls from Erin, he hovered over the icon to call her back but ended up putting his phone back into his pocket.

He sat next to his dad in the car and they made their way home. He felt like he was watching his life in a dream, like his brain wasn't working and it wasn't having any effect on where he was walking or how his body was moving to open the front door to his house.

"Why don't you go to your room?" his dad suggested. "I need to call some people."

"So you're moving home now?" Jay asked.

His dad hadn't been living with them for well over a month now, instead choosing to live with the woman he'd had an affair with.

"You can't live by yourself," his dad stated coldly.

Jay froze for a second before heading to his room, not caring that he was slamming doors, hitting the wall and doing everything that his dad hated.

The second he was inside his room he called Erin, barely able to speak as he finally let the tears out.

"I need you to come over," he said. "Please."

"What's going on?" Erin asked over the phone, and he heard her running down the stairs of her house.

"My mom," he sobbed. "She… please, I just need you."

"I'll be there," she promised.

* * *

Camille had dropped her off at Jay's house and she looked up at it in dread, she had this feeling in her gut that something awful had happened, and she knew what it was, deep down she knew what had happened.

She desperately wanted to know how to comfort him and make this better but what would make this better?

She swallowed the lump in her face and walked up to his house, ringing the doorbell only for it to be opened a second later and a man she had never met but was familiar with appeared at the door.

Jay's dad looked at her stomach before looking at her face and then glaring at her when he finally did.

"Jay asked me to come over," she explained, this man was intimidating but she'd met men more intimidating than him before, and Jay needed her - she refused to let this man prevent that.

"He doesn't need to be around you right now," Mr Halstead said.

"He's already made that decision for himself," she said, pushing past Jay's dad to go and find him.

"You can't just enter my house like that," he protested.

"Yeah well what are you going to do about it?" she asked rhetorically. "Drag a pregnant girl out of the house you haven't even been in for over a month?"

At least that shut him up.

She headed up the stairs to Jay's room without looking back.

She pushed his door open and saw him sat on the edge of his bed, face in his hands as he cried.

"My mom," he cried. "She got an infection… they said it was sepsis… she…"

He couldn't even say it, but he'd said enough.

Erin didn't know what she could say to him to make him feel better so she sat next to him and pulled him so that they were laying down together on his bed. She wrapped her arms around him and he wrapped his around her as they faced each other and locked their eyes.

"Thank you for being here," he said.

"I'll always be anywhere you need me to be."

* * *

The next few days passed slowly, she'd seen him every day and stayed with him until late evening when his dad would tell her to leave. On this particular evening Camille was collecting her from Jay's house.

"Do you want me to meet you here tomorrow?" she asked him, referring to his mom's funeral.

"It would probably piss of my dad," Jay said, almost laughing. "But that's not what my mom would want, so I'll meet you there."

She nodded and gave him a sad smile.

"I don't know what I would have done without you these past few days," he confessed. "You're the only one that could make me smile right now."

She didn't reply to him, instead giving him a light kiss and holding his cheek in her hand.

"I love you," he told her.

She froze and she knew that he felt it. She opened her mouth but she couldn't speak; she didn't know what to say to him.

They were interrupted when Jay's dad walked in his room.

"Camille is here for you," he told Erin coldly.

She looked between Jay and his dad, secretly thankful that she could avoid responding to Jay's announcement for a bit longer.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she told him before leaving the house and getting into Camille's car.

* * *

The day of the funeral was full of sunshine and it didn't feel right. Rain or clouds would be more appropriate on a day when you were saying goodbye to a woman whose loss would be felt deeply for years to come. She watched Jay from across the casket with Hank and Camille stood either side of her, she couldn't focus on what the priest was saying about Mrs. Halstead because her eyes were locked on Jay, she wanted to be next to him, to hold him and take his pain away.

Did that mean that she loved him too?

But then it was Jay's turn to speak and then she was listening more intently than she ever had in her life.

"My mom," he started, choking up at just those first two words. "She was the best person I've ever known. Even when she was so sick that she couldn't get out of bed, when I got home from school the only thing she'd want to talk about was me. The word selfless isn't strong enough to describe the sacrifices that my mom made for me."

Jay paused for a minute looking at the casket that his mother was resting in.

"You know a couple of weeks ago I told her to stop worrying about me, to be a little selfish for a change," he continued. "But she told me that she was a mom, and ever since she found out that she was going to be a mom her life was no longer the most important thing to her, it was my brother and then me. She said that she sacrificed because that was her job as my mom, and she wouldn't want it any other way."

He connected his eyes with Erin's at that point and she couldn't read the expression on his face.

"My life without my mom feels emptier and I miss her so much already," he said. "But I know that she wants more than that for me, she wants me to keep pushing on, to do things that make me happy and surround myself with people who love me and make my life better. I love my mom, and I'm going to live my life the way that she would want me to, happily and selflessly."

Jay didn't have a lot of time to talk to her after the funeral, he was grieving with his family and they had both decided that now wasn't the best time to introduce his pregnant girlfriend to his judgemental Catholic family. So instead she went home with Hank and Camille and spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, Jay's speech repeating itself over and over in her head until she felt dizzy.

It was late when she finally realised what she needed to do.

Luckily Camille was still awake so she could drive her there.

They were sat in the car in silence until Erin decided to speak.

"Jay told me he loved me," she confessed.

Camille tried to hide her surprise - unsuccessfully, but at least she'd tried.

"That's a big step," Camille commented, not disclosing any judgement she might have. "Do you feel the same way."

"I'm not sure," Erin said. "Sometimes I think I do, but I've never felt that way about someone before."

Camille didn't respond, allowing Erin to ponder over her feelings for Jay, until she pulled up outside her destination.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go in there with you?" Camille asked her.

"I have to do this on my own," Erin told her.

"I'll be waiting out here for you then."

Erin walked into her mom's bar and spotted her mom straight away, she was flirting with some customer from behind the bar. She ignored the judgmental looks from the strangers in the bar and marched straight over to her mother.

"I need to talk to you," she said, not acknowledging the shock on her mother's face.

Bunny gestured at her to follow her to a back room in the bar.

"I'm so glad you're here Erin," she said. "Are you moving home, we miss you there."

"We as in you and Steve?" Erin asked, disappointed in her mother, yet again.

"Of course," Bunny insisted. "You're our family, you and my grandbaby."

"Stop," Erin ordered. "That's not why I came to see you."

"Then what is it?" she asked, now seemingly frustrated. "Because I'm supposed to be working you know?"

"I came to tell you to stop trying to contact me," Erin said. "Stop coming over to the Voight's house, stop calling me and stop calling them, I don't want to see you anymore."

"I'm your mother," Bunny insisted. "I can't just stop wanting to see you, you'll learn that when you have your baby and then you'll come crying to me when you can't give her away and have nowhere else to go."

"You're not my mom," Erin said coldly. "I learned today what a real mom is, someone who will do anything for her child."

"You think that abandoning your baby is what a real mom would do?" Bunny sneered.

"I know that my decision will be whatever I think is best for the baby, whether it's what I want or not," Erin stated. "That's the difference, you ignored and pretended you didn't know what Steve was doing because it suited your life better, you never once protected me."

Bunny was speechless.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, lying confidently.

"And here you are doing it again," Erin said. "I don't need or want you to be my mom, if you come near me again I will report what Steve did to me to the police."

At that Erin walked out the bar, not looking back at her mother who was frozen on the spot. She got back into Camille's car and breathed a sigh of relief.

"How do you feel?" Camille asked, concern in her eyes and tone of voice.

"Relieved," Erin admitted. "I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

Camille smiled.

"Thank you Camille," Erin said sincerely. "For everything that you have done for me over the past few months, I don't know where I would be without you."

"You don't have to thank me for anything," she insisted. "You've completed our family."

"No I need to say this to you," Erin persisted. "When Jay was talking about his mom earlier, it wasn't Bunny that came to my mind – it was you. You've been so selfless through everything and you're more of a mom to me than she ever was, more than I deserve."

"You deserve the same chances in life as anyone else," Camille told her. "And you know what, one day you will be the same kind of selfless mother that I strive to be, that Jay's mom was."

Erin didn't reply, instead she thought about what Camille had just told her, and she couldn't help but wonder when she would get to be that selfless mother, would it be in a few months or years away when she was married and ready to look after a child? And there was a big part of her heart that was yearning for her to be a mother in just a few months when her baby girl was born.

* * *

 **Sorry it's been a bit longer since my last update, I found this chapter hard to write because nobody likes writing about death. So I got distracted and started writing the final chapter of this story and I can't wait for you guys to read it.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

The month since Jay's mother had died and since the last time she'd spoken to Bunny. At now 29 weeks pregnant Erin was feeling the baby kick every day, multiple times during the day, causing her thoughts to be constantly centred around the little girl inside of her. It was getting harder to try and stay detached, every passing day felt like a struggle to not call the adoption agency and tell them that she was keeping the baby. She desperately wanted to talk about her feelings with Jay or Camille but she was scared of what they might say. What if they said that she wouldn't be a good mom? Or worse what if they said that she would be?

There had been a shift in her relationship with Jay, and in her relationship with Camille. She now spent all of her free time with Jay, mostly just sitting in silence and let the feeling of just being with each other heal him.

"You know it's prom in a couple of weeks," he mentioned one day when they were watching some cheesy old sitcom, her head resting on his shoulder as they cuddled on his couch.

She looked up at him, unsure whether he was seriously considering attending the event. She'd never planned on going to prom, not at her previous school and certainly not at this one. She loved her friends here, they were generous and accepting, but she didn't feel like she needed to put on some fancy dress and dance awkwardly with her boyfriend in front of the rest of the school. Not to mention that being seven months pregnant at prom would make finding a dress that would even fit her an impossible mission, never mind one that she liked.

"You want to go?" she asked, hesitantly.

"It might be a nice distraction," he suggested, trying to downplay his real want to go there.

She looked at him, raising her eyebrows in an effort to tell him she didn't believe him, but squeezed his hand as well to ensure him that she was there and listening to him.

"Don't laugh at me okay?" he started.

She nodded eagerly, already grinning at the prospect of the story he was about to tell.

"When we were younger my mom put me and Will in dance classes," he confessed. "At first she made out that it was some kind of family tradition thing but when I threw a tantrum and refused to go when I was about 11 she told me it was for a different reason. She said it was because when I met a girl that I wanted to dance with, she didn't want me to step on her toes, she wanted me to be able to impress her… you."

She looked at him in wonder, his nervous attitude was unnecessary because he managed to say the perfect thing every single time. And the fact that he was being sincere with her made it all the more special and endearing.

"You don't have to do anything to impress me," she told him, looking him squarely in the eyes. "I'll go with you, if that's what you were asking?"

He grinned at her teasing and kissed her.

"I know that prom isn't your thing," he said. "But I think we'll have fun."

She smiled, trying her best to look convinced, because seeing a smile on his face meant everything to her right now. So to distract herself from the dance that she would be attending in a couple of weeks she kissed him, increasing the intensity quickly which put an even bigger smile on his face. She felt a shift in the way that they were kissing this time that had never been there before, she felt him put his arms around her and pull her closer to him so she was straddling his legs. It was a little uncomfortable with her bump in between them but she was soon preoccupied from that thought when she felt him putting his hand hesitantly to cup her breast. She felt the desire within her getting stronger and it was when he started to move his hands lower that she stopped the kiss.

"We should stop," she said, putting her hands on either side of his face.

He nods and smiles at her but doesn't say anything, instead moving her off him so that there was some distance between them.

"It's not that I don't want to," she insisted.

He looked at her doubtfully.

"It's fine," he said sincerely but he was still avoiding eye contact with her. "Don't worry about it."

She knew it was fine, Jay wasn't that guy. But at the same time she felt the need to explain herself.

"Hey look at me," she said gently, moving his chin so that he was facing her. "I promise you that I want to be with you in every way, especially with all of these hormones floating around my body."

They shared a small laugh at that, putting them both at ease.

"But I want my first time with you to be perfect, and I don't want it to be tainted by my past," she explained. "I feel like if we have sex now, or even just go any further than kissing then it's not going to just be about you and me."

"I don't care about your past," he insisted, he wasn't trying to convince her of anything other than the fact that she was more than what her previous life.

"But I do," she admitted. "I know that you might not care but even just thinking about being with you in that way whilst pregnant with the baby of the guy who…"

When she stopped she realised what was about to happen, she knew this day would come eventually, the day when Jay would find out just how damaged she really was.

"The guy who what?" he asked gently, maybe suspecting but not knowing what she had been about to say.

"The guy who raped me," she said.

She couldn't look at his face, she didn't want to see whatever gut reaction he had to that information was, she didn't want anything about the way he treated her to change, she didn't want him asking her if every single touch was too much or being less attracted to her or even just seeing her differently at all.

When he hadn't responded to her statement she decided to take that as a sign to continue her story.

"I know I've led you to believe that Charlie is the father of the baby but there is also the possibility that it could be my step-dad's," she explained, and this time he wanted to speak but she didn't let him.

"Steve has always been… abusive," she said carefully. "But he never… he never raped me until the month before I found out I was pregnant."

And now he was silent again.

"I don't know what to…" he trailed off.

"It's okay," she said. "You don't have to say anything, this is why I'm seeing a therapist, but I think that it's important that you know."

He still couldn't find the words to convey whatever emotions he was feeling in that moment so he put his arm around her and brought her in to cuddle on the couch.

She was unsure of what may happen in their relationship next, but his whispered words gave her the hope that everything would be okay.

"Thank you for telling me," he whispered. "I love you.

* * *

He'd said it twice to her now. Those three words, just three words that seemed to change everything. The first time had been during the darkest phase of his grief so she had passed it off as something that he hadn't really meant to say at the time. But then that second time, the honesty in the words was undeniable. He truly did love her. Did she deserve that love? She wasn't sure anyone deserved the kind of love that Jay could give. Did she love him back? She didn't know.

She felt closer to him than she'd ever felt to anyone before, and she felt something from within towards him that she couldn't explain, like a want that could only be satisfied by him. But then she'd never felt love towards a guy before so she didn't know what she was looking for, aside from the fact that telling him that she loved him wasn't something she felt comfortable doing when he'd clearly had more experience with love than she had.

It was these thoughts that were keeping her awake the night after she'd spoken to Jay about what had happened with Steve. She felt the baby start to kick and checked her phone for the time.

2:37 am.

Realising that sleep wouldn't come to her any time soon she wandered downstairs and into the kitchen. When she opened the fridge she immediately spotted her target – chocolate. The craving for anything sweet and unhealthy that she could get her hands on had kicked in a couple of weeks ago and she was both loving and loathing it. Compared to some of the pregnancy cravings she'd read about online hers was pretty tame, but post-pregnancy weight was already something that she was dreading, never mind how many pounds she'd put on if she kept eating anything that contained a high amount of sugar.

It was in the middle of devouring her chocolate that she heard someone clear their throat from the kitchen door.

"There's more where that came from in Camille's secret cupboard," Hank said, cracking a smile. "Probably some of the better stuff too."

She smiled at him.

"Sorry if I woke you," she apologised. "I tried to be quiet."

"One of the reasons I'm good at my job is my awareness of my surroundings," he explained.

"What exactly does the unit that you work for do?" she asked him.

"A little of everything," he said, she didn't know if that was because he wasn't allowed to tell her, or maybe he just didn't want to. "Lots of undercover."

"When I was little I wanted to be a police officer," she mentioned as they sat down at the kitchen table.

"Oh yeah?" he commented, seemingly impressed and surprised.

"Yeah," she said. "Whenever they came over my mom cleaned up her act for a moment so I always thought about them as people who made things better."

It was probably a gross oversimplification but she had a lot to thank the police for, specifically Hank, because without him God knows where she would be right now.

"If you want you can come to work with me one weekend, I'll show you what we do there," he offered and she nodded enthusiastically. "That is if you're not too busy with Jay."

She smiled coyly at him but then she was brought back to her thoughts from earlier, Jay's statements of love and then everything else that she was thinking about.

"Got a lot on your mind?" Hank asked her from across the table.

She was surprised at where this conversation was going, ever since she'd moved into this house she had been closer to Camille than Hank, she knew that he cared and she was grateful to him for being the one to bring her into this house, but at the same time she wasn't used to talking to him about the thoughts spinning around in her brain.

"Just Jay stuff," she said, shrugging it off.

It wasn't just Jay stuff, there was other stuff she needed to get out but she didn't feel like talking about it now, not with Hank.

"Hmm."

Hank's disgruntled noise made her smile, she didn't think that he actually disliked Jay – she was biased but she thought it would be impossible to dislike him. She thought that his crankiness was more due to the fact that she was in a relationship at a time in her life when he thought she should be focusing on other things, which she understood.

"You know he makes me really happy right?" she asked.

He didn't respond, just looked at her blankly.

"He's good for me," she insisted. "I promise."

"I just worry about you," he said. "I know that he's a good guy, Camille tells me all the time."

She grinned at that, she knew that Camille had been trying to bring him around.

"But the first seventeen years of your life were rough," he continued. "I just want you to be happy and have a pressure-free life for a while."

"I am happy," she insisted.

"Then what is this Jay stuff that's keeping you up at night?" he questioned.

She sighed, she would prefer to talk about this stuff with Camille but Hank was reaching out and asking her, and she wanted to connect with him like she had with Camille.

"Jay told me he loved me," she said. "And I didn't say it back."

Hank inhaled, giving himself that time to think it over.

"You don't have to say anything you don't feel," Hank eventually told her.

"But I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling," she confessed.

He looked at her then and smiled softly.

"You'll feel like you're complete when you're with him and when you look at him, you feel higher than you ever did when taking drugs," he said while looking at her pointedly. "When you put their happiness before yours, but you're happiness is there anyway, that's when you know you're in love. It's the way I feel about Camille, and I promise that you'll know when you feel that way about Jay."

* * *

Prom came around faster than she expected, the dress that she'd managed to find fit and she didn't feel uncomfortable in it, which was all she was really asking for. Camille had taken over the prom picture taking while Hank just sat and watched, laughing at his wife's antics from his armchair, she tried to let herself relax into Jay's side and ignore her discomfort at having what felt like hundreds of photos taken.

When they'd eventually escaped and got to prom Jay hadn't left her side the entire time which she couldn't be more thankful for, even when Adam and Kevin were trying to corner him during the dance. Jay felt like some kind of protective barrier between her and all of the eyes watching her bump, she realised that the oversized cardigans that she typically wore to school didn't allow people to see how truly massive her bump was now. But this dress that she was wearing seemed to emphasise the bump rather than conceal it, and apparently people were taking notice.

"You want to dance?" she asked him suddenly, realising they hadn't stepped onto the dance floor yet.

"We don't have to," he offered meekly, realising now why she hadn't been enthusiastic about going to prom.

"Come on that's the whole reason you dragged me here," she teased, pulling him up by his hand so that he was following her to the dance floor.

Slow dancing was a new thing for her, but she silently thanked Jay's mother for forcing him to suffer through dance classes when he was younger because all she had to do was follow his lead and she felt safe in his arms.

"Hey," he said, lifting her chin up so that she was looking at him. "What are you thinking?"

"A lot of things," she said softly. "I've been thinking a lot about some things lately and I've been scared to tell you, scared to tell everyone."

"You can tell me anything," he promised, and the concern on his face made her believe it.

She took a moment before letting the words she'd been so afraid to say out.

"I think I want to keep the baby."

She saw the surprise and disbelief on his face, but there was also understanding and sympathy.

"I'm still confused about all of these feelings but at the same time I feel like I need to talk about it," she confessed. "I'm scared to tell everyone because I had a plan and I was settled with the plan, but then recently all I've been thinking is that I want to keep her, when I think about a future I see her there. But then I don't want to lose everything I've gained in the past five months – I don't want to lose you."

Jay nodded, but his eyes still showed the shock and she could almost see the thoughts whirling around in his head.

"Can you say something?" she asked. "Please?"

It took him another silent moment before he'd formed the words.

"I love you no matter what," he professed. "If that means that you're going to be a mom in a few months then I'll still be here, loving you and being here to support you. No matter what you decide, I'll be here for you."

And that was the moment that she knew, she smiled and then whispered the three words in his ear.

"I love you too."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! We're on the home stretch of this story now, which is probably a good thing considering how busy I've become recently. Let me know what you think, I'm always unsure about my Erin/Jay scenes and my Erin/Hank scenes – they're the ones that take me the longest.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

 **I know it's been a while but I hope people still want to read this story, I think I've got the motivation to finish it so I'll try to update as much as possible. I am busy though (med student life) so can't promise anything.**

* * *

Telling Jay that she wanted to keep the baby had given her a freedom to her thoughts that she'd previously been trying to suppress. It was allowing her to think of plans and a future where it was possible to keep her baby, ones where she got a job and put off college for a couple of years, where maybe her and Jay got an apartment together and he helped raise her daughter. If he was okay with that, of course, which at this rate she wasn't sure. He kept stressing to her that he wanted to be there for her but he never wanted to talk about it, not about where he wanted to go to college or where he wanted to live, how he felt about a long distance relationship or whether he wanted them to live in the same city. He was always talking about living for right now, but at some point, if she kept the baby at least, she was going to have to live for the future as well.

Her fantasies were getting her through the day recently, fantasies of her at college with a baby, Jay by her side. But it felt like these fantasies were never something that could become a reality, and maybe that was why she was avoiding telling Camille and Hank about her change of heart.

She felt like she was going to have to convince them that she could do this to get them on board, so she needed a plan and she needed one fast because in just over two months she would be giving birth to a baby girl who needed a home to go to, whether it was with her or Greg and Lydia. So for now she was researching and trying to gauge the best way to keep the life that she loved whilst adding a new little person to it.

"Can I be excused?" Justin asked as soon as they'd finished the family meal. "Sam's having a few people over tonight."

She saw the look between Hank and Camille before Camille finally gave him permission to leave.

"You know we should have checked who was going to that party," Hank commented.

"I know Sam's parents," Camille said. "I'm not worried."

Erin inhaled deeply as she collected the plates from the table to start washing up the dishes.

She had spent the morning researching the cost of cribs and diapers and everything else that she might need for a baby, it was overwhelming. She would need to get a job, and what if the Voights asked her to leave? She would need to find a place to live. She couldn't go back to her mom, maybe she could convince the Voights to let her stay there, at least until she saved some money to get a place of her own. She needed to broach the subject with them, not telling them exactly what she was planning, but just hinting to get an idea of what they would think.

"I had a really good time yesterday at the district," Erin started, trying to sound casual and carefree but aware that her voice was shaking slightly. "It's made me think about what I want to do in the future."

She watched Hank's look of surprise but there was also some pride in his smile.

"You think you want to be a cop?" he asked.

She shrugged.

"I'm definitely thinking about it," she said.

She was more than just thinking about it, spending the day with the unit, getting to know Jules and Trudy, finding out what it was like to be a female cop – the whole thing had inspired her. She watched as they worked through the evidence and put their lives on the line, all to take drugs off the street that had put kids in hospital. They were making the streets of her city safer, and that was something she could see herself doing in the future. And even though she would deny it to anyone that asked, making Hank and Camille proud of her was another reason to want this in her life.

"You have to be at least 20 to join the CPD," he informed her. "And you have to have some college education as well."

She nodded in response. Her research that morning had already told her that.

"I was thinking about that," she said. "And I think I'd really like to go to college, like a real college not just community college."

This time the surprise on Hank and Camille's face seemed a little less flattering.

"I know it sounds like a long shot," she said. "It's late in the year and my grades weren't exactly impressive until a few months ago, but I was thinking that I could take a year out, maybe do some volunteer work and then go next year."

Camille's face showed how impressed she was with Erin and her plans, so Erin thought she'd venture a bit further and talk about how her plans would fit in with a baby.

"It's all just got me thinking you know?" she started.

Hank looked confused, she wondered if it was because he didn't understand what it was like to be pregnant and bond with a baby before you've met it to the point where it's all you're ever thinking of.

"About what?" he asked for clarification.

"About what I would do if I kept the baby," she said.

She watched as the Voight's shared a quick glance before looking back to her, Hank nervous and Camille concerned.

"You seemed pretty set on adoption," Camille said gently. "If you changed your mind now, there would be a lot to consider."

"I just… looking at colleges… it just got me thinking about colleges that would be possible to go to if I kept her, like ones in Chicago where I have a support system. How everything would work financially, where I would live... I was just thinking," she said, ignoring what Camille had just said, for the most part.

Camille saw right through it, she could tell from the look on her face, but Hank seemed to buy it, she thought he didn't really want to accept that she might be changing her mind.

"It would be a lot harder for you," he said, not mincing his words at all. "You're so smart Erin, it would be a shame for you to give up all of your potential and settle for staying in Chicago, it might be good for you to live in another part of the country for a few years. Giving this baby away will give you the opportunity to really choose your path for the first time in your life, I don't want you to be limited by anything."

She nodded, that wasn't the answer she was hoping for, but it made so much sense. She loved that her life over the past few months had given her the opportunity to make her own choices, about Jay, school and the future. That was something she'd never had before and she didn't know whether she was ready to give that up, but if she wasn't prepared to give it up for her baby then she wouldn't give it up for anything.

Sensing that Erin needed someone to talk to, Camille tasked Hank with cutting the grass in the back yard.

Before she started speaking Erin felt anxiety creeping up on her, what Camille was about to say would either crush her plans or enhance them.

"I'm so proud of you Erin," Camille said, surprising her. "You have come so far over the past few months with school and being mature with all of the decisions you're making."

Erin nodded and smiled.

"But being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do," Camille told her. "Whether that means being a baby's mom or being a baby's birth mother, whichever path you ultimately choose is going to be difficult and there's no denying that. But you need to understand what you'd be giving up if you keep that baby and what you would be depriving her of in her life."

The tears started falling at that point, because that was what she feared the most – depriving her baby of a better life.

"I'm not saying that you wouldn't be a good mom Erin," Camille clarified. "Because I've seen how, you've matured over the past six months and you would be an amazing mom, you could do this."

"But you don't think I should," Erin stated.

"No I don't," Camille agreed. "Because you're so young and you've only just started living, I don't want you to give up having a real college experience, going on dates with boys and going to parties with all of the new friends you'll make."

Erin nodded but refused to make eye contact with Camille, scared of showing her disappointment.

"But I need you to know that if you decide that you can't give this baby away then we will be here for you," Camille promised her. "You can live here and we'll help you, but please Erin, consider what you want for your baby, this is your chance to break the cycle."

It was hard to hear, because she wanted to give her baby a better future than she had and she was convinced that she could do that herself, but nobody else seemed to think she could.

Camille handed her a piece of paper.

"Greg and Lydia sent this yesterday," she said pointedly. "I'll leave you to think things over, I'm here whenever you want to talk about it."

She swallowed the lump in her throat before reading the email that Camille had printed off.

 _Hi Erin,_

 _We haven't heard from you for a while so thought we'd just check in with you. We hope everything is well and that you're enjoying your last few weeks at school. Make sure to send us some graduation pictures when the big day comes, we'd love to show baby girl how much her birth mom accomplished when she's older._

 _We started decorating the baby's room this week and it's coming together nicely, although we had a hard time trying to decide on a colour scheme – pink seems so girly but it turns out that all baby girl accessories and furniture comes in pink so we've been left with no choice! We have her sonogram picture framed in the room right now, just waiting for her to arrive._

 _Let us know how you're doing?_

 _All our love,_

 _Greg and Lydia_

It was overwhelming to read it, their excitement seeping through each line making her feel increasingly guilty. She didn't want to take something away from them, especially something that they were so excited about and they were good people, they didn't deserve her backing out after promising them a baby. She knew that they had no rights to her baby, not yet at least but if she was going to keep the baby then she couldn't continue letting them believe that they would be parents in just a couple of months.

She needed a firm plan; she would go to college and get a real job, Hank and Camille would be there for her like they promised and her baby might not have a father, but she had Jay and he told her he would be there for her too.

Jay.

He was who she needed right now.

* * *

When she got to Jay's house she noticed that thankfully his dad's car wasn't parked in the driveway so she rang the doorbell and he answered a minute later.

"Hey," Jay said, barely getting the word out before she had flung herself at him.

"Babe what's wrong?" he asked.

His confusion wasn't resolved quickly, she started crying and clung to him as though her life depended on it.

"Please tell me what's going on," he whispered when they were safely in the living room of his house.

"Do you think I'll be a bad mom?" she asked, finally letting herself be completely vulnerable with him.

He seemed surprised at the question, and more concerningly he seemed to be unable to answer.

"You do, don't you?" she accused. "I really wanted to believe that I could do this, but nobody else thinks I can."

He quickly snapped himself out of his shock.

"That's not true," he defended. "I think you could be a great mom, you already are, you changed your whole life for this baby."

She could sense it coming, the 'but'.

"But you're also seventeen, and it's a lot for anyone to handle never mind a teenager," he explained, his voice gentle as though he didn't want to do anything that would set her off.

"You said you would be there for me, even if I kept the baby," she muttered.

It felt like a betrayal, the way he was changing his mind. Because he was in the plans that she'd made, he was there with her through every step and without him there her future was not the future she wanted.

"I will be," he insisted, taking her hand in his. "But it's not that simple, we haven't even finished high school yet and we don't know where we'll both be next year."

It felt like she'd been slapped in the face, one minute he was telling her that he would support her and the next he didn't know where they would be? She was hoping that they would still be together when they finished school. Had she become so naïve that she believed any guy who told her he loved her?

"Erin I love you and if you keep this baby then I'm sure I'll love her too," he said, gripping her hands in his. "But this shouldn't be a rash decision, and it shouldn't be one that I have any say in, because this is your baby not mine."

"Don't you have an opinion?" she asked. "If you're going to be a part of my life then you must have an opinion."

He looked away from her and closed his eyes.

It was then that she felt as though her stomach was sinking.

"Do you not want to be part of my life?" she asked, trying to swallow back the tears. "Do you want to break up with me?"

"No," he stressed. "No that's the last thing I want."

"So what aren't you telling me?" she asked. "Why are you so hot and cold recently?"

He frozen and looked at her intensely.

"I'm not going to college next year," he stated. "I should have told you before but I didn't want to disappoint you, my dad's already giving me crap for it."

"Why would I be disappointed in you?" she asked, his statement was confusing her – she wasn't going to college next year either, she was going to take a year out and then go later.

He sighed and looked at her finally.

"I'm not going to college next year because I want to join the army," he admitted. "I didn't want to tell you because I'm not going to be here, I want to be there for you and help you with the baby, but I can't, physically at least."

She was shocked to say the least, he hadn't mentioned it.

"Since when?" she asked, barely making a sound.

"Since my mom died," he said. "My grandpa was in the army and… it's just something I feel like I have to do."

"I don't… I don't know what to say," she whispered, her plans shattered.

"I know you don't understand but I have to do this," he explained.

She couldn't speak, she felt her baby kicking against her stomach, urging her to do something, so she wrapped her arms around him pressing herself against him.

Now her fantasies felt like they'd never come true.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, your reviews really do mean a lot to me and encouraged me so much recently when I had writer's block so if you can please leave one!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

When she woke up Erin knew that this day was going to be special, she felt the urge to pee so she walked across the hallway in the silent house to the bathroom. She felt the cool tile on her feet and looked in the mirror; today was the day she was going to graduate.

The last few weeks at school had slipped by without her noticing, finals and hanging out with friends had occupied her, not to mention all of the other things on her mind; like the baby girl that was growing inside her, the adoption that she was no longer convinced was going to happen, her boyfriend joining the army in a couple of months and the fact that she was about to graduate with an uncertain future. But no matter how she got there, today was the day she was graduating high school, something that just seven months ago seemed like an impossibility. And that was what she would focus on today, not the baby, not the tension with Jay and not the watchful eye of Camille.

She was proud of what she'd accomplished. Her mom hadn't graduated, she doubted her dad had either, and this was something that they could never take away from her now. She wondered how her mom would feel today if she knew she was graduating, would she be proud of her? Somehow she doubted it. Sad as it was that her own mother didn't care that she was graduating, she was grateful for those that did care, Hank and Camille were excited for her, especially Camille. She'd taken her out shopping a few days ago to find something she could wear to graduation.

* * *

 _"What colour do you want to wear?" Camille had asked._

 _Erin stared at all of the clothes in the maternity section, nothing screamed 'graduation dress', but she was determined to find something that made her feel good when she wore it, because she deserved to feel good on that day._

 _"The gowns are blue so as long as it doesn't clash I don't mind," she said, not wanting to narrow her choices down any further._

 _She brushed her fingers through the fabrics, nothing catching her eye until Camille pulled out a pale blue dress, it looked youthful and comfortable and that was exactly what she was looking for._

 _"It's perfect," she smiled at Camille. "Thank you."_

 _"It's my pleasure," Camille said as she put her hand on Erin's arm. "I'm so proud of you and you really do deserve this, after all of the tutoring with Jay, although I'm not sure how much tutoring you've been doing the past month."_

 _Her cheeks flushed and she looked away._

 _"I'm graduating aren't I?" she said with a cheeky smile. "There's no way I would be doing that without Jay's help."_

 _"I don't think that's true for a second."_

 _Erin wasn't sure what to think of that statement, ever since Jay had told her that he was joining the army she was doubting that she would be able to keep the baby, without him she didn't know what her life would look like. Was Camille telling her she could do it without him? But then she had to ask herself did she want to do it without him?_

* * *

The baby's sharp kicking her side interrupted her from her thoughts.

"Hey baby girl," she said, directing her speech to her belly. "I need you to keep that down today, because it's a big day for me."

The baby kicked again, as though she was disagreeing with her.

"I'm serious," she continued. "Because if I'm going to be the one taking you home in a few months then I need to graduate and do something with my life, you deserve to have a mom who can give you a good life."

"Erin get out of the bathroom!"

She rolled her eyes at Justin's yelling, but then couldn't help smiling afterwards. It was nice to have a little brother again, despite how annoying he could be and how much he seemed to resent her pregnancy. It got her thinking about her own brother, Teddy, it had been close to seven years since she had seen him now after his dad had taken him away and rescued him from that house. She hoped he was doing okay, she didn't want to think of the other possibility.

"I'll just be a minute," she called back, before starting her makeup which was definitely going to take longer than a minute.

"Yeah whatever." She heard him mutter from the other side of the door before hearing his footsteps wander back to his room.

She smiled to herself; today was going to be a good day.

* * *

She walked down the stairs of the Voight home, hearing Camille, Hank and Justin talking happily with her boyfriend, the boyfriend she wasn't expecting to see until they got to school for graduation.

"Jay?" she questioned as she walked into the room. "What are you doing here?"

He walked over to her and enveloped her in his arms which she gladly welcomed.

"You know she could have at least acknowledged that the rest of us are in the room," Hank muttered.

She forced herself out of Jay's warm embrace and smiled at her pseudo family.

"Morning everyone," she smiled.

"But you still didn't answer my question," she directed to Jay. "I thought we were just meeting at school today?"

"Hank and Camille invited me over for breakfast, you know since I didn't really want to spend the day with my dad," he informed her.

It was only then that she noticed the pancakes and fruit on the table, this was all for her special day, for the day that she'd really become an adult. She wondered whether she would ever stop being surprised or touched by the things that the Voight family did for her, she hoped not – she'd hate to take them for granted. She never thought that she would have people like this in her life; a family that made her feel special and a boyfriend that cared about her like he did.

Hank got up from his chair and walked over to her, his hands holding her arms.

"We're so proud of you Erin," he professed. "You've worked so hard for this and you deserve it kid."

She didn't reply, she just smiled at him as he returned to his seat.

"Mom can we eat now?" Justin complained to Camille. "Erin's here and I'm hungry."

"Yes we won't starve you anymore," Camille laughed. "We need to leave in a little over an hour."

Erin and Jay sat next to each other at the table and she loved how he talked with Camille, how he tried to talk to Justin however unsuccessful he was. But she felt some anxiety coming from him, like he was keeping something from her, she felt his leg shaking against hers and saw his eyes staring into the distance on occasion.

Once they had finished eating Erin excused herself from the table.

"I'm going to put my gown on and then we can go," she announced, grabbing Jay's hand. "Jay are you coming?"

She saw Hank raise his eyebrows.

"Really Erin?"

She almost rolled her eyes.

"I just want to talk to him."

He narrowed his eyes at her but didn't stop her from dragging him up the stairs and into her bedroom.

Jay stood by the door with his hands in his pockets whilst she went to find her gown and the gift she had gotten Jay to celebrate the day.

"I know I left it here somewhere," she whispered as she searched her shelves until she found the wrapped gift.

"I got this for you," she said, handing it to him.

He held it in his hands, not attempting to open it.

She knew there was something wrong.

"What's going on?" she asked. "You've been acting weird all morning."

He sighed. "Can't we talk about it tomorrow?"

"No because now I'm not going to be able to think about anything else for the rest of the day."

He didn't respond, instead he opened the gift that she had given him. It revealed a scrap book of the dates that they had been on, the pictures from prom and space for more pictures.

"I know that you're leaving and I've done my best to come to terms with that," she admitted. "So I want you to take this with you so I'm always with you, and there's space for more so at the end of the summer there will be even more pictures in there, even some pictures of the baby when she gets here."

At that she saw his face drop.

"Is it something about the baby?" she asked. "Is that what you're not telling me?"

"No," he defended quickly. "I mean… sort of."

"Just tell me Jay," she begged. "Please?"

He sighed and sat down on her bed, pulling her with him by her hands and not letting her go.

"My training starts in three weeks, Erin."

She felt her heart stop for a second. She knew what that meant.

"The baby is due in six and a half weeks," she whispered, unable to look at him. "I thought we were going to have more time."

"I know," he said, caressing her face with his hand. "I thought so too but I don't get that choice now, I want to be there for you when the baby is born, especially if you're keeping her, and I wanted to spend the summer with you, spending days in the parks and I wanted to take you to my grandpa's cabin in Wisconsin, there was so much that I had planned."

She pulled her hands away from him, she couldn't sit there and listen to him. This was supposed to be a happy day.

"I need to put my gown on," she stated, trying to keep the tears from falling but her voice was betraying her by cracking. She put the gown on and saw that he was still watching her.

"Erin," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Please can we just not talk about it right now," she pleaded, unable to stop the tears now she turned so her back was facing him and she felt him put his hands on her shoulders and his head came to rest next to hers.

She looked in the mirror at herself in the gown, it was stretched over her distended abdomen. It didn't look right to her, people weren't supposed to be pregnant when they graduate.

"I look ridiculous," she laughed as she cried.

"You look beautiful," he defended.

"Liar," she smiled at him through the mirror.

"You always look beautiful."

And then she turned to face him.

"You know I could never work out why you love me?" she confessed. "You're perfect Jay."

"I love your strength, I love the way you kiss me and the way that you make me feel. I love making you smile because it makes my heart feel like it's on fire. I love the strength you gave me when my mom died and the way you understand me like no one else does. I love you for being you."

She brushed his lips with hers and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I don't want you to go," she admitted.

"It's going to be okay," he promised her. "Today is about celebrating this year, because it's been a year I will never forget."

She nodded, took a deep breath and with determination forced herself to smile at him before leading him down the stairs so they could go and graduate.

* * *

The flash of the camera brought her to reality, she felt Jay's arm around her waist and Kim's hand held hers while Adam and Kevin were messing with each other's ties. It was a bittersweet moment, graduation was bittersweet, she had tried to force herself to be happy as she received her diploma but every second felt like it was one second less until Jay was leaving. She wasn't ready to say goodbye to him or her friends that she had made this year, she wasn't ready for any of it to end.

They had decided as a group to get dinner with their parents and siblings, having one final time when they would all get to hang out together before Jay left and Kim and Kevin went to college and Adam did… who knows what Adam's plans were. And before she became a mom.

Their parents had mostly left them to it, letting them be kids for the last time. Erin wanted to be happy, she wanted to make the most of this time but she felt Jay beside her slipping away, and every laugh he let out reminded her of how much she was going to miss him.

"Erin," Kim called her name as they were all sitting down at the table to eat their desserts. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she said, feeling the room become increasingly small and her heart starting to race. "I think I'm just going to head to the bathroom for a second."

Seeing her discomfort, Kim offered to go with her but Erin refused telling her instead to stay, but her words sounded so far away.

She followed the sign that pointed to the bathroom and came to the bottom of a set of stairs, she started to walk up them when all of a sudden the stairs in front of her blurred and she felt a darkness come over her.

Then she was at the bottom of the stairs, her head awkwardly angled on the bottom step and her abdomen throbbing, then she saw the blood under her legs and felt the darkness take over again.

* * *

 **So I know it's been a while since I updated but that's med student life so not much I can do about it. However the next few chapters are ones that I've been wanting to write for ages so hopefully I'll get them done a bit quicker.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

She was told that one of the best days of her life would be the day she graduated high school, that wasn't how this day was working out. For the past eight months she had been preparing for the moment she would give birth, terrified with anticipation of the events that would occur after her baby entered the world but she never feared giving birth. She realised now how naïve she had been.

"She's 33 weeks."

Erin's eyes were closed but she could hear a voice, then another muffled voice followed, she couldn't make out what they were saying.

"No," the first voice said again. "No complications so far, she's giving the baby up for adoption though."

The voice was becoming more clear, it was Camille's voice.

Someone was calling her name now and she managed to open her eyes.

"Erin?" Camille said to her, her eyes focusing so she could see Camille's face above hers. "It's going to be okay sweetie the paramedics are here to help you."

Why were the paramedics there?

Then she felt the pain, the sharp pain in her abdomen, the aching in her head; it was overwhelming.

"Erin we need to take you to the hospital," one of the paramedics told her whilst moving her onto a stretcher.

She tried to nod her head, feeling too dizzy to speak.

"I'm coming in the ambulance with her," Camille stated, giving the paramedics no chance to refuse.

"What's happening?" that was Jay's voice, she knew that right away. "Where is she going? Can I meet her there?"

"We're taking her to Chicago Med," the paramedics told him. "You're going to be waiting for a while when we get there, you're going to need to let the doctors do their job."

"I'll take you there Jay," Hank told him.

She felt removed from the situation, they were all talking about her, everything that was happening right now was about her yet none of them were acknowledging her.

"The baby," she whispered. "Is she okay?"

She saw Camille share a look with the paramedics, they weren't telling her something.

"We need to get you to the hospital to see how the baby is doing," one of the paramedics told her. "We'll be there soon Erin."

She was lifted into the ambulance and then she felt something in her abdomen, a cramp worse than she had ever felt before.

She couldn't help but let out a noise of pain and clutched her belly.

Two pairs of eyes landed on her, the paramedic in the back of the ambulance with her and Camille.

"What's wrong?" Camille asked, not moving as the paramedic was already coming to her side.

"What happened Erin?" she asked. "Are you in pain?"

She didn't want to say it because she knew what it meant, she knew that there was no turning back now.

"I think I just had a contraction."

Camille just looked at her with sadness and fear in her eyes.

She was 33 weeks pregnant, the baby wouldn't be ready to be born for another seven weeks. What was going to happen now that she was about to give birth to a baby before it was ready? She felt her breathing become faster and the panic rise in her body.

"Erin I need you to listen carefully to me," the paramedic told her. "You need to stay calm, I know you must be scared right now but for the sake of both the baby and yourself, we need to get you to the hospital."

She nodded as she tried to ignore what was happening to her body, the contractions, the pain in her head, the pain in her abdomen – it was too much to process.

* * *

When they arrived at the hospital she was quickly diagnosed with a placental abruption, the question was what to do about it.

They had placed a foetal heart monitor on her abdomen and it was at that point that people seemed to get worried.

She watched the doctors look at each other and saw the nurse come to her side, she felt her stomach drop and she was thinking the worst. Was the baby in trouble? Was she even… alive?

"What's wrong?" she asked, trying to stop the tears coming to her eyes. "Is she okay?"

The obstetrician came closer to her and knelt down so that their faces were at the same height.

"The baby is showing signs of distress," he explained. "Since you haven't lost too much blood and your condition is stable we would like to do an emergency c-section."

She felt a moment of relief that the baby was still alive before the world came crashing down on her.

"I'm only 33 weeks," she told them, as though they didn't already know. "What about her lungs?"

"She has a 98% chance of survival if we deliver now," the doctor explained. "But if we don't deliver then she is at risk of becoming hypoxic which can cause brain damage and it can cause foetal death."

She felt trapped, she just wanted this all to go away. On the one hand she wanted to keep the baby inside her for as long as possible because she was still hers when she was in there, she felt like she could protect her from the world. But she knew that she had to do this for the baby, the one that she loved so much she couldn't even believe it.

She agreed to the c-section and with quick introductions to the paediatrician that would be looking after her baby when she was born and before she knew it she was in the OR.

She felt the baby being pulled from her and felt the panic when she didn't cry until she was taken away by the paediatricians. She heard them working on her and she heard them working on the baby. Camille was in the room to support her but the minute the baby came out Erin ordered her to stay with her, the sweet baby that was now in the world.

She was watching and waiting, she caught glimpses of her tiny body as they were working on her but she had yet to see her face. Then when they finally brought her over, just for a few seconds before she was put in an incubator, she felt her breath stop. She was smaller than she'd ever thought she'd be, her body was red and wrinkled; she was just so small. When the doctor held her close to her face so she could get a good look at her, she fell completely in love with her.

Then they took her away and she felt like her heart went with that tiny baby that hadn't even existed in the world until a minute ago. She knew that they needed to make sure she was okay but all she could think was that could be the only time she ever got to see her daughter, what if something happened to her? Or what if Greg and Lydia were already at the hospital and didn't let her see her anymore?

Camille didn't go with the baby when she was taken to the NICU, she stayed with Erin and held her hand, whispering encouraging words to her and telling her how great she'd done. That's not how she felt, her baby was still supposed to be inside her, she wasn't ready to be born yet. If she'd just stayed at the table, not tried to climb stairs then she wouldn't have fainted and fallen down the stairs, if she'd allowed Kim to go with her maybe she would have stopped her from falling as hard as she did.

So many things she would do differently that day, if only she'd known.

* * *

Before she knew it she was in recovery and was allowed visitors.

The neonatologist had come in to see her, giving her an update on the baby, apparently she was doing well all things considered but she was having a hard time breathing. She was small, only 4 pounds 3 ounces but that was to be expected for her age, and since she hadn't had any swallowing problems yet they were hoping she would put on weight fast.

They asked her how she felt about expressing breast milk and apparently they saw how stressed she was because they told her she didn't have to make a decision right away.

Camille had stayed by her side the entire time and she seemed to have taken in more of the medical details than she did.

Once the doctor had left the room Hank entered, giving her a tight smile and a squeeze on the shoulder. She knew that he wasn't the most affectionate man so she appreciated effort, however brief it was.

"How are you feeling?" he asked her, and she got the sense that he wanted to say something different, to tell her something.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. Because how was she supposed to describe the hormones flooding her body and the guilt she was feeling and the pain of knowing that the baby she had just given birth to was struggling to breathe.

"I have just spoken to Greg and Lydia," he told her. "They were in Australia visiting Lydia's mom, they said they would try to fly out as soon as they could, but it's probably going to take a few days for them to get here."

She felt her stomach sink.

What did that mean for the baby? What did that mean for the adoption?

"I know this hasn't gone how we thought it would but we'll figure all of this out," Hank continued.

Erin couldn't speak, part of her wanting to scream at him to tell them not to come back, the other wanting them to get here as soon as possible because this was all too much for her to handle. She'd never felt more like a scared teenager, like this was something that she shouldn't have to do, she shouldn't be making decisions for that baby, she was too small, too innocent and too perfect.

Sensing that she didn't want to talk to them right now, Camille took Hank's hand and told her that they were going to the cafeteria and would be back soon.

But just before they left she turned to say one more thing.

"Jay has been here ever since we arrived," she said. "I think he'd really like to see you if you're okay with that?"

And then Hank added something unexpected.

"He's a good man," he said vaguely.

She smiled at that.

"I know," she said. "Yeah I want to see him, could you ask him to come in here?"

Camille smiled and nodded, even Hank let out a grunt that sounded positive.

* * *

When Jay came into her room she felt an immediate rush of happiness.

"Hey," he said, pausing awkwardly by her bed.

"Hi," she smiled at him. "Come sit down here."

She patted the side of her bed and dragged him down by holding his hand when he seemed hesitant to do even that.

"Hank told me to be careful," he explained. "He said you were delicate."

"Since when have I ever been delicate?" she asked with a laugh, or as much of one a she could manage.

"I don't know, maybe since you fainted and fell down the stairs?" he said, his eyes seeming to gloss over at the memory of her lying at the bottom of the stairs surrounded by blood, unconscious.

She gave him a tight smile.

"I feel so stupid for that," she said, feeling in her throat and hearing in her own voice that she was on the verge of crying.

"Hey I didn't mean it like that," he said, immediately trying to comfort her. "I was just scared, I didn't know what was happening and I thought I might lose you."

"How's the baby?" he asked.

"Doing as well as can be expected," she told him. "Which isn't that great but they think she's going to be okay, even if she has to stay in hospital for a while."

"That's good news," he said. "She's going to be okay."

Trust Jay to be the one to only see the positive out of the awful situation they were in. He was a light in her life, the one that made everything okay.

"Greg and Lydia aren't coming for another few days," she told him carefully.

"I know," he said. "I was with Hank when he called them."

"Should I be worried about you bonding with him?" she teased.

When he just responded with a smile she became more serious.

"I don't know what to do," she admitted.

"About the adoption?" he clarified and she responded by nodding.

"It feels like there must be a reason that they aren't here," she said, feeling pathetic even as she said it. "Like it's a sign that I should keep her."

"Maybe it's a sign that you should take some time to make a decision?" he suggested.

She sighed at that.

"I really want to keep her," she confessed. "But I don't know if I should and if I'm being honest I don't know if I can handle this, she's sick and I don't know what that means for her, the doctors mentioned that she might need to be on oxygen when she goes home."

They were interrupted by the baby's doctor who had entered the room.

"Hi Erin," she greeted before looking at Jay, expecting an introduction.

"This is Jay," Erin informed her. "He's my boyfriend - not the baby's father – it's kind of a long story."

"Okay," the doctor took it in her stride. "I was wondering whether you would like to see your baby? She can't be held yet, but you can see her and hold her hand if you want?"

Erin looked at Jay, almost asking permission.

"It's fate," he told her simply.

She nodded and got in the wheelchair that she was forced to use to get to the NICU, Jay walking next to her as they made their way to see the baby that had brought them together.

When they got to the door she could see the incubators through the glass windows, she asked the doctor to stop pushing her wheelchair and took a deep breath before looking at Jay.

"I think I have to do this by myself," she said to him.

He bent down to awkwardly hug her but whispered in her ear.

"You got this."

She appreciated his vote of confidence because she certainly didn't feel it right now.

She was wheeled to the incubator by the window, leaving Jay on the other side of the door, she could see him through the glass and she noticed that he was watching her, he couldn't stop.

She looked into the incubator and saw her baby, she had an oxygen tube attached to her face and her eyes were closed. She was so beautiful and so perfect and the love Erin felt was unlike anything else she'd ever experienced.

She put her hand in the incubator and touched her baby girl's hand, it was so small that she felt like she might break it as she stroked her hand. She noticed that the baby opened her eyes briefly when she felt the pressure on her hand.

And it was in that moment that Erin knew what she had to do.

* * *

 **This didn't go exactly how I wanted and it's quite rushed but that's all I have time for. There's two chapters left after this so we're close to the end!**


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